NEW YORK – In a major blow to Satan’s ongoing efforts to corrupt American youth through articles about what Disney princesses would look like in real life and the “weirdly emotional” stages of getting one’s first tattoo, RiteAid and Delhaize America, owner of the Hannaford Stores and Food Lion chains, has announced they will put blinders over copies of Cosmopolitan magazine sold in their stores.
In a statement released by the National Center on Sexual Exploitation, which spearheaded the “Cosmo Harms” campaign along with Victoria Hearst (granddaughter of the dude who invented the vehicles used to transport coffins during funerals founded Hearst Corp., Cosmo’s publisher), the decision to cover up the magazine was described as a “major blow” to the company’s profits.
“Cosmopolitan magazine regularly features articles, and occasionally explicit pictures, encouraging girls to participate in group, anal and violent torture sex, and it blatantly targets young girls by displaying teen idols on their covers,” the statement said, leading at least one reporter to think Cosmo is a lot more interesting than he’d hitherto been led to believe. “Recently, Cosmo even posted an article encouraging readers to visit hardcore porn sites, including one site that is particularly focused on the extremely violent torture of women.”
While the NCSE has declared victory over Cosmo, some observers aren’t entirely persuaded covering up the magazine’s covers will have a significant impact on sexual exploitation, or even a big impact on youth seeing or reading the publication. Among other things, such critics argue modern youth are more likely to gain access to Cosmo articles — or far worse — through platforms other than traditional print publications.
“The last time a teenager read a physical copy of Cosmo magazine, the internet was called DARPANET, and the only people using it were a bunch of bucktoothed IT geeks on contract with the defense department — and maybe Al Gore,” said Fran Fromage, a fellow at the Washington think tank Americans Calling Bullshit. “Seriously, I’m pretty sure my son doesn’t even know how to fucking read, but using a tube site, in under nine seconds he can find any kind of midget-fucking-stuffed-animal or Asian-girl-slapping-fat-man-with-burrito porn video you’d ever want to see.”
Others say while they believe the obscuring of Cosmo covers in retail establishments is a good start, much more needs to be done.
“Who needs magazines when all a youngster has to do is turn on the television in order to be flooded with images of homosexuality, polygamy, rappers, incest, Kardashians, dirty dancing and other ‘progressive’ entertainment,” said Rev. James Walker of Fellowship of the Heartlands Church in Louisville, Ky. “And that’s just The Weather Channel!”
While NCSE and Hearst have accused Cosmo of “glorification and desensitization of porn and sexual violence,” some readers say it’s an unfair description of a magazine that covers a wide range of topics.
“I like Cosmo because it like doesn’t, like, insult my, like, intelligence,” said Cindy Jorlsen, a teenager hanging out at the Mall of America in Minneapolis who said she “totally reads Cosmo like super-regularly” using an app on her tablet.
“People like say it’s all like nothing but sex, but, like, that’s just so not true, you know?” she continued. “Like, just within the last few issues or so, they had this really long story which was totally deep. Like, I’m pretty sure it was about, like, Algebria or Legos, or maybe like Australia or Austria — somewhere in South America, for sure, and they’re totally starving there. And there are, like, Muslims who are totally really mean to women, and it’s just so sad. But anyway, like, my point is it isn’t all about sex. Sometimes, Cosmo is about fashion or hot guys or social justice and, like, how they don’t have any in Africa, or whatever.”
Despite RiteAid’s decision to wrap Cosmo in black plastic and stick it high up on the shelf next to Swank, Black Tail and The Hardcore Economist, Hearst Corp says it’s proud of the magazine and its long-running success.
“Cosmopolitan is the most successful global media brand for young women, publishing 60 editions in 79 countries and 32 languages,” the company said in a statement to WWD. “Its award-winning content is produced for adults by leading female journalists. We are proud of all that the brand has achieved for women around the world in the areas of health, relationships, career, politics, equality and social issues.”
Rev. Walker, for one, isn’t impressed.
“When they speak, I hear nothing but the hiss of the serpent, tempting our daughters and wives to bite the apple of forbidden carnal knowledge,” Walker said. “And, yes, admittedly, every once in a while a solid tip on eight exercise moves that will give you a great butt, as well.”
