MEXICO CITY – I’m not much of an adult mobile app user, but whenever I travel — whether on business, vacation, or the lam — I use the opportunity to double-up on my to-do list by reviewing a couple of new mobile apps.

At the moment, I’m in Mexico City, on my way to conduct field research on a strange confluence of Mayan prophecy, Mexican governmental policy and exciting on-location adult content production opportunities on the Yucatan peninsula.

With just a few hours to kill before my next bone-jarring, 16-hour bus ride from hell, cramped into a converted American school bus with 87 other humans and approximately 200 live chickens (not all of them in crates), I thought I’d take a minute to review a couple of adult Android apps that have received a lot of PR buzz lately: Adult Player and Porn Droid.

At first glance, Adult Player actually sounded pretty good, albeit pretty typical in its feature-set. It’s your basic free-porn-video app for Android.

In a somewhat intriguing twist, the developers appear to be flirting with the idea of dipping a toe into the trendy “revenge porn” niche, programming the app to take a picture of me, locking up my phone and demanding $500 to yield access and control of the phone back to me.

While the $500 price point definitely is steep, my real beef with Adult Player is I never got all the free porn videos promised to me, nor is it clear how many copies of the picture of me were made, where it might have been uploaded or posted, or any other details along those lines. This could be legally problematic for the developer, or whoever publishes the picture, because given what I was doing at the time the app used my phone to surreptitiously snap my picture…. Well, suffice to say 2257 regulations could come into play here.

On balance, I’ll give Adult Player a rating of 1.25 stars, based entirely on the strength of the innovative, if pretty darn aggressive, marketing tactic used to deliver the app’s $500 up-sell. As for content, I’m giving the app 0 stars — pending updates, of course.

I certainly wouldn’t recommend Adult Player to a friend, but if you work with a total asshole of whom you have no personal or professional fear, you might consider recommending it to him.

I decided to give Porn Droid a shot mainly because the name made me nostalgic for my youth, when I used to take the action figure for the one really fruity, bipedal British robot from George Lucas’ wildly popular space movie trilogy and bend it over at the middle, then pose my Harrison Ford and Mark Hammill action figures so as to look like they were taking turns railing him up his flat little metallic ass.

Unfortunately, installing and using Porn Droid yields nothing nearly as sexy as rough-and-tumble space pirates butt-banging android sex slaves. In fact, the only pain in the ass anybody experienced as a result of downloading this lame app has been an ongoing inability to access their phone, even after paying for the $500 up-sell.

In other words, Porn Droid suffers from the same adult content deficiencies as Adult Player, and its post-upsell rewards are even worse. Plus, seeing as how this app clearly nicked its ransom-like approach to in-app purchases from the developers of Porn Player, I can’t even give it the benefit of stars for originality.

Accordingly, I give Porn Droid 0.75 stars, with the three-quarter star hat-tip attributed entirely to its fun sounding name and the memories of action-figure boning it inspired. I wouldn’t even recommend Porn Droid to my worst enemy — but only because my worst enemy happens to be a machete enthusiast with a history of severe mental illness, who also knows where I live.

Assuming a factory reset of my Nexus 6 works to undo the damage done by Porn Droid, next week I’ll review two more hot new adult Android apps — Pull My XXX Finger and Porn Bridge for Sale — ideally while successfully avoiding detection by various Guatemalan authorities.