NEW YORK – With New Year’s Eve right around the corner, I’m here in New York City waiting for balls to drop in famous Longacre Square — which I refuse to call by its new name, because by now everybody knows this city’s so-called “newspaper of record” is controlled by a sinister syndicate of corporate and government forces hell-bent on realizing their goal of total global domination.
On top of being a time of excessive champagne drinking and college football watching, this time of year is also a time for New Year’s resolutions, the result of carefully reflecting about ourselves, thinking about ways in which we can improve over the year to come and making lists of promises we will no doubt abandon by mid-February.
Having given several minutes of serious thought to this subject, here’s my list of resolutions for 2016, some of which may be subject to change for reasons beyond my control, acts of other peoples’ gods, or because I just don’t feel like it anymore, dammit.
In 2016:
I hereby vow to make fun of only people of whose existence I’m aware and to whom I’m not completely indifferent.
No more jokes about various industry dickwads who are always offering people jobs in porn because they have no other ideas, especially if the dickwad in question is also “an icon” and/or “a visionary.”
I will give up trying to convince porn producer friends of mine that bacon-wrapped blowjob porn is “the future.”
Must stop cyber-stalking a certain Congressman — and not just because the court issued an order to that effect.
I will never again use my wife’s expensive conditioner as masturbation lubricant, even though it does wonders for the volume and texture of my pubic hair.
I’m going to do a muchj better job proofrwading all of my righting work to assure their ate no typogfacil errors or missspellngs or no good grammer and other stuffs likes that.
No more sniffing glue before lunch, while driving or during staff meetings.
From now on, I’m going to do a much better job of “checking the label” on all my product purchases to ensure each item I buy meets my high ethical, philosophical and dietary standards. So, among other things, no more deep-fried GMO dildos!
No more taking rides from strangers, no matter how delicious their candy might be and even if the baby from whom they stole said candy totally had it coming.
I will stop using the unsecured WiFi connection owned by my neighbors to the east to torrent pirated porn in hopes they’ll get sued by Malibu Media. From now on, I’ll use the unsecured WiFi owned by my neighbors to the west, because they never pick up their dog’s shit during his walks.
No more trying to disguise my loud and protracted belches as the beginning of sentences which just happened to start with an exaggerated pronunciation of the first name of our current commander in chief.
No more practicing law without a license — just as soon as I wrap up the class-action false advertising lawsuit I filed against Hasbro in light of the disgraceful number of Weebles that do, in fact, fall down.
I’m going to recommit myself to being the best journa-blogg-a-list, or whatever, I can be in 2016.
Instead of just running with facts because I know them to be true, like the fact Pluto is a hologram, I’m going to actually look up stuff, using amazing online resources like InfoWars, Donald Trump’s twitter feed and Facebook posts written by a very reliable schizophrenic I was friends with back in high school.
Instead of relying on my unerring command of the English language, I will use resources like dictionaries, thesauri and encyclopedias so I can be sure to make up new words on purpose from now on.
Finally and most importantly, I’m going to focus and make every effort to keep my eye on the ball so I can resolve the problem I have at times of getting distracted when I’m in the middle of a sentence, which sometimes causes me to fail to finish my … finish … uh…. Because it’s important to me that I get better as a person, every year, that’s my point.
I hope this post inspires you, too, to…. I don’t know, make some kind of list or something.
Whatever. Can we just get drunk and sing “Auld Lang Syne” already?
