SAN ANTONIO, Texas – Researchers from the University of Texas at New Braunfels (UTNB) released a new study today suggesting despite repeated attempts to generate controversy by publishing offensive material on social media, failed pop star and occasional porn performer Tila Tequila still isn’t remotely interesting as a human being.
“While wishing Adolph Hitler a happy birthday and claiming to hunt down illegal aliens while wearing cowboy boots no self-respecting cowboy would ever allow anywhere near his home might draw a reaction from easily-trolled social media users, our latest data indicates general public interest in Ms. Tequila’s day to day life is extremely limited,” said Dr. Paul Pinker, the Executive Director of UTNB’s Center for the Clinically Inane. “In fact, when measured against other minor celebrities, Ms. Tequila ranks somewhere between former American Idol sideshow William Hung and someone named ‘Bobby Trendy,’ whoever that is.”
Tequila, who has also tried claiming to be an extraterrestrial in order to make people pay more attention to her, appears largely undaunted by criticism her tweets and posts are racist, dumb and largely unintelligible.
“Listen, what did I say earlier?” Tequila recently tweeted. “Unless you are more gorgeous and intelligent than me, I do not care for what you say.”
Pinker, however, says UTNB’s research also suggests Tequila is “neither particularly smart, nor any more attractive than any other reasonably good looking woman with access to Photoshop.”
“On our proprietary UTNB Internet Chick Hotness Index (ICHI), Tequila scores a 72 out of 100,” Pinker said. “Interestingly, if the post being judged by our ICHI algorithm contains words and images, her score drops dramatically in comparison to the score of the videos readily available on popular adult tube sites. If you turn off the sound, her ICHI increases to the low 80s; display only the words in her social media posts, however, and it falls well below 40.”
Tequila is not without her fans and supporters, however, including prominent white supremacist DJ Daniel Dirks, the former Grand Wizard of the six-member La Vernia chapter of the Kluless Kix Klan – not to be confused with the better known Ku Klux Klan, which is just as awful an organization, but one which is apparently aware Tequila herself isn’t a Caucasian.
“Tila is one of the few white celebrities out there willing to speak the truth,” Dirks said. “She’s not afraid to say non-white people shouldn’t be allowed to come to this country and dilute our manifest exceptionalism.”
When confronted with the fact Tequila is three-quarters Vietnamese and frequently claims to be an extraterrestrial, Dirks asked for the opportunity to revise his statement.
“I misspoke,” Dirks said. “What I meant is she’s one of the few non-terrestrial, part-Vietnamese celebrities out there willing to speak the truth: Other than part-Vietnamese space aliens, non-white foreign people have no business coming to our country, especially illegally – even if they do intend to vote Republican, should they ever become a citizen.”
Tequila’s remarks did not go unnoticed in the broader quasi-celebrity community either, where she was widely condemned by several people who once tried out for America’s Got Talent, two cast members of the never-aired reality TV spinoff program Real Valets of West Hollywood and former skateboarding legend and feces-injecting stuntman, Brendan “Wham” Margarina.
“What Tila posted the other day about illegal aliens was totally unacceptable,” Margarina said. “I mean, she talks all that shit about wetbacks and doesn’t even show us her tits in the process? What the fuck does she think people follow her for in the first place; political commentary?”
Image via Facebook.
