NEW YORK – More than ever before, I find myself wondering as I read the morning headlines whether I’m reading them correctly, or if a particularly strong tab of acid I took back in 1996 just hasn’t worn off yet.
I’m not talking about headlines that simply suffer from confusing syntax, like the old classic “Man Helps Dog Bite Victim.” I’m talking about headlines in which I recognize and understand all the words involved, but initially can’t make sense of them appearing in the same statement.
This phenomenon has inspired me to come up with a game of sorts. Let’s call it “Real Porn Headlines, or Random Word-Jumble?”
Here’s how the game works: I’ll list a porn-related headline, and you’ll guess whether or not it’s real (or, more likely, you’ll cheat and check Google, not because you’re a fundamentally dishonest person but because you just hate to lose, even at dumb internet-based games in which nobody is keeping score). Then, based on how many points you accrue, you’ll be assigned a stupid success-level descriptor at the end of this post.
It’s just like one of those Facebook quiz-result posts your most irritating friends share all the time but you never give a shit about, unless it provides an excuse to comment on the timeline of someone with whom you’re desperately trying to hook up. The only difference is, since this isn’t Facebook and nothing about it is tied to an account on your end of things, you needn’t worry about whether my asinine little quiz is designed to make you more vulnerable to malware.
OK, first there’s this one: “New Steelers star doesn’t need porn star to get his bike back.”
What do you say — real headline or random verbiage? If you guessed random verbiage, deduct 3.72 points from your score. This is a real headline from the New York Post, which is a lot like a newspaper, except when you wrap fish in it, it makes the fish smell worse rather than the other way around.
For the record, the porn star referenced in the headline is (and prepare yourself for a shock, because this person so rarely goes looking for attention) Mia Khalifa.
OK, so she isn’t really a “porn star” so much as she is someone who briefly worked in porn, then parlayed her porn-notoriety into an inexplicably effective “Look at me!!!” campaign that appears to have no end. We’ll cut the headline writer some slack on this, however, because they work for the New York Post, after all, which has historically eschewed hiring fact-checkers, all available evidence suggests.
Second headline/guess: “Porn Company Offers Job To Harvey Weinstein Because Fuck You, Anything For Publicity.”
If you guessed this one is real prior to Nov. 1, 2017, deduct .5 from your score. It’s not real yet. If you didn’t take this quiz until Nov. 1 or later, Google the headline, then adjust your score accordingly, giving yourself 4.19 points if it does exist and deducting a full point if even the biggest publicity-whores on the planet decided this idea for a stunt was beyond the porn-publicity-pale.
Number 3: “Struggling to learn a new language? These porn stars could help (no, really, they could).” If you guessed this one is real, give yourself 2.3 points – but do it in Spanish and based on the current exchange rate for Mexican pesos to U.S. dollars.
Number 4: “Robert De Niro’s dad wrote porn stories for an oil baron.”
If you guessed this one is real, give yourself 2.365 points, with a bonus of 1.387 points if you guessed how much the oil baron paid for the porn stories (a whopping $1 per page).
Robert De Niro Sr. wasn’t the only well-known person to write erotic stories for Roy Melisander Johnson, by the way. The miserly cheapskate also had in his collection short works by Anaïs Nin, Larry McMurty, Lawrence Durrell and Henry Miller.
Number 5: “Controversial Chinatown Gallery Exhibit Has the Best Real-Estate Porn Under Investigation By NSW Police.” If you guessed this one is real, give yourself 3 points, but then deduct 2.765 points, because this one is three real headlines combined into one fake one.
OK, now it’s time to add up your score.
If your score is less than zero, you’ve reached the level of “Big Winner.” Clearly, you have better things to do than read about porn on the internet, which explains why you got so many of these wrong.
If your score is higher than 1.119 but lower than 4.782, you’ve attained “Wise Wanker” status, an achievement just as impressive as it sounds.
If your score is higher than 19.986, your well-earned title is “Mainstream Journalist,” because you seriously suck at math.
If you’re not sure what your score should be because no point value was provided for correctly guessing the first headline listed was real, and some of the others don’t say how much to deduct for getting them wrong, congratulations! You’re officially a “Literate Buzzkill.”
Image © Janaka Dharmasena
