LOS ANGELES – Every so often, along comes a headline that is so great, a collection of words whose proximity to each other is so entirely unexpected, the body of the article below it probably isn’t necessary, or may even prove a severe letdown.
I ran across such a headline over the weekend, the eye-catching nature of which wasn’t diminished in the slightest by the fact I knew nothing about the person to whom it referred.
I’ve been kicking around on this planet for many years now, and I’ve spent quite a few of those years high as Ken Kesey’s kite on one mind-altering chemical or another. So, as you can imagine, I’ve seen, heard, read and hallucinated a lot of very strange things in my time.
Still — and I can say this with 100-percent confidence — never prior to July 1, 2017, had I seen words combined to say anything quite like this startling, magical, one-of-a-kind headline:
Chief Keef Named Father of Former Porn Star’s Child Without Taking DNA Test
After regaining my composure in the wake of this unanticipated flood of seemingly disconnected words, my capacity for deductive reasoning kicked in. For starters, I figured “Chief Keef” must be a real person (presumably a male one) and not a character from an old Cheech and Chong flick to which some Native Americans doubtlessly would take great offense.
Eager for added context, I began to read beyond the headline, despite fearing I was going to find the specifics of the story less satisfying than the visceral impact of learning someone who calls himself Chief Keef had fathered a former porn star’s child.
In the scant few seconds between absorbing the headline and starting to read further, I already was filled with questions.
Which former porn star? Who named Chief Keef the father, and how was this determined without a DNA test? Is Keef a member of 23AndMe.com? Is an appreciation of marijuana strong enough to make one name himself Chief Keef a hereditary thing, or is it strictly a learned behavior?
It was at this point the letdown began, not due to any failures on the part of the article’s subjects, but merely as a function of the high expectations reading the headline formed in my head.
The former porn star in question is someone I’ve never heard of, let alone masturbated to in appreciation of her porn skills. She’s identified by TMZ as Aareon “Slim Danger” Clark, which sounds to me less like a female porn star and more like a cross between the alter ego of Anthony Weiner and one of the world’s wealthiest men.
As for how Keef came to be named the father of Slim Danger’s child (which, by the way, is not the name of a band Beyoncé used to sing for), this was done by a judge, on the basis Keef never showed up in court or responded to the paternity suit to deny he was the father.
Whatever else I might come to learn about Keef, this I can already safely conclude: He’s not exactly a master of legal strategy. By and large, when someone sues you — whether it’s to assert paternity of her child or for breach of contract when you don’t show up to perform at a concert as you agreed — it’s a good idea to respond in some fashion. Otherwise, the court every reason to assume you’re a dickhead — and more specifically, a dickhead against whom the court should issue an unopposed adverse judgment.
If there’s any good news in all of this, it’s the kid’s name: Zinc Clark. That’s an undeniably cool name. It has great nickname potential, even if the kid settles on his initials as the nickname. Who wouldn’t like being called “ZC,” after all? (Other than Al Cowlings, of course, speaking of people who have made the news for hanging out with porn stars.)
If I were Chief Keef, I’d be pretty bummed out the kid wasn’t employing my last name, though, because as cool as Zinc Clark is, “Zinc Keef” is even better. It sounds like something which might be dangerous to inhale but probably would get you seriously fucked-up.
Another piece of good news, I suppose: If the court orders Keef to pay child support, at least this is another aspect of life with which Keef has ample prior experience.
Look at this way, Chief Keef: The situation could be worse. Slim Danger’s last name could have been “Oxide.”
Image: Chief Keef mixtape released Jan. 1, 2017.
