LOS ANGELES – For the past several days, adult entertainment industry publicist Kristopher Crass has been burning the candle at both ends, spending hours at a time pacing the length of his Wilshire Blvd. office in search of inspiration.
The core challenge: coming up with the perfect porn-themed publicity stunt to take advantage of the corruption scandal that has rocked FIFA, the governing body that oversees soccer (or “phut-bowel”).
“If this were just a matter of putting out a porn parody movie or coming up with the name of a video series, it would be so much easier,” Crass said. “I mean, the guy who runs FIFA is named Sepp Blatter — so you just set it up as an older guy who’s into giving girls golden showers and call it something like Seeping Bladder’s Cavalcade of Corruption or Two Girls, One World Cup and the rest basically writes itself.”
Crass said due to the enormous, literally global scope of FIFA, he feels this is a publicity stunt that “must take strategic shamelessness to the next level.”
“A simple job offer to Prince Ali bin al-Hussein of Jordan as consolation for losing the FIFA presidential race or a year’s free membership to some random porn site is just way too bush league in this context,” Crass said. “I mean, these are top officials from FIFA we’re talking about, not the heads of the Federation International du Badminton or some publicity-hungry reality TV skank who might actually accept an offer of a few hundred grand to suck off James Deen.”
Adult industry public relations expert Halle Lichens, though, warns if any porn companies do decide to wade into the FIFA controversy, they should “proceed with extreme caution.”
“Any time there’s a major scandal like this, emotions are bound to be running high,” Lichens said. “For example, given their proximity to areas known for being densely populated with hooligans, I would definitely advise adult companies located in the UK to shy away from any and all FIFA-related publicity stunts.”
Crass said while he acknowledges the risks involved, he still believes the potential publicity payoff justifies the risk.
“Obviously, nobody wants a bunch of Chelsea Headhunter wannabees showing up at their corporate offices with bricks in their hands, out for blood,” Crass said. “At the same time, if a FIFA porn stunt can produce a significant increase in traffic and brand exposure, it might be worth a mortally wounded receptionist or two, right?”
Anti-porn activist Dr. Gail Dense expressed outrage at the idea of a FIFA-related porn publicity stunt, despite saying she “reviles FIFA almost as much” as she does the adult entertainment industry.
“Just like porn, FIFA is an example of why everything associated with global capitalism is deeply, fundamentally wrong,” Dense said. “This is the subject of my latest book, The Real Evil Empire: Global Capitalism, Porn, Banks and Soccer, as well as its companion page-per-day desk calendar, “365 Ways Global Capitalism is Raping Your Children,” available now in bundle form for just $29.95 online and at fine bookstores everywhere.”
Joey Grapes, founder, president, chief executive officer, customer service director, art director and janitor for the adult studio Sophisticated Seraph, said his company probably won’t pursue any sort of publicity by latching on to the FIFA scandal, mostly because “I don’t even fucking know who ‘Freepha’ fucking is.
“Is she one of those rapper chicks who just uses one name, like Brimanta or whatever?” Grapes asked. “Sounds like one. Either that, or something they should probably start testing for over at FSCPASS. Either way, fuck soccer. It’s just a game for Brazilians and guys too short to play any other sport, but too tall to be jockeys.”
Despite the skepticism, Crass said he will continue to brainstorm — for a little while yet, at least.
“Publicity opportunities like this have a relatively short life cycle,” Crass said. “The public has a short attention span and before you know it, there’s bound to be another sports scandal that comes along and blows FIFA right off the front page. Odds are it will involve either a New England Patriot or a Pittsburgh Steeler, or maybe a college basketball player with more felony arrests to his credit than baskets.
“Either way, the point is you have to strike while the iron is hot, and this FIFA thing won’t be scorching for long.”
