SHERMAN OAKS, Calif. – Standing outside the large, well-appointed house serving as the venue for the day’s shoot, porn performer Rick Rigid paced and muttered to himself, a lit cigarette dangling from his left hand.
“I’m just not sure where to take this scene, emotionally,” Rigid said, clearly exasperated by his dramatic dilemma. “I guess I just don’t get this character on a fundamental level. What’s his motivation, you know? I mean, I know the script says he’s eager to nail the gorgeous MILF housewife he works for, but why is he so eager, exactly? Is this just how pool boys are? Is it because she has big, natural tits? Is this really enough to drive a pool boy wild? This whole thing is just a mess if you ask me.”
Rigid’s struggles with his character couldn’t come at a worse juncture, according to director CV Joint Norelco.
“I only have this location until the end of the day, so we have to wrap in less than two hours,” said Norelco. “Plus, our MILF is about to leave on a six-week feature dancing tour, so even if we could book for another day, it can’t wait for six weeks. Among other things, I’ve already committed to a street date of Feb. 2 for Sex-Starved Mega-MILFS Vol. 137, and we need to reserve at least six to eight hours for post-production.”
Rigid said he’s fully aware of the tight shooting schedule, but the added pressure certainly isn’t helping the problem, which he insists “frankly begins and ends with a weak screenplay.”
“No amount of anything injected into my cock is going to resolve the continuity flaws and scores of unanswered questions this script presents,” Rigid complained, glaring at Norelco, who kept emerging from the house to reiterate the need to start the scene.
“We don’t even deal with the question of where this woman’s husband is right now,” Rigid continued, his disgust growing as he spoke. “Is he working? Dead? Likely to burst in any moment? Each of these scenarios calls for a different set of expressive elements. If there’s no way the hubbie is coming home out of the blue, then ‘Carlos’ can fuck with total abandon, but if there’s a chance of getting caught, he should be jumpier, shooting glances toward the front door as he rails her from behind — that sort of thing.”
Asked about Rigid’s concerns, Norelco dismissed the actor’s criticism with a wave of his hand and a loud, cynical snort.
“Whatever,” he said. “It’s a fucking gonzo porn scene, not some big feature like The Bunghole Games: Cockingjay Part 2. Get your heads straight and let’s get on with the butt-fucking already.”
According to co-star Mina Pause, who said she has worked with Rigid several times in the past, it’s not like Rigid to have “on-set issues.”
“Normally, Ricky is the consummate professional,” said Pause. “Like back when we did Box Lunch Bitches 6, I didn’t have time to shave myself clean before the shoot and he got pretty severely chaffed during the extended cunnilingus sequence. He soldiered through it like a true pro, scratched-up chin and all.”
Taking one last exasperated glance at his watch, Norelco muttered something about being resigned to “coming up with an emergency Plan B.”
“I’m going to be shooting some teen scenes later this week with a chick who looks a little bit like Mina,” Norelco said with a sigh. “Maybe with some strategic makeup, we can pull this off with a dopple-banger or whatever they’re called.
“Either way, I’m not using Rick as the pool boy, because if he’s confused about why his character would want to bang Mina, there’s no fucking way he’s going to be able to get past a pair of saggy, prosthetic tits being involved — not without first getting some contorted, deconstructionist analysis of the screenplay delivered by a literature professor from UCLA, and there’s no way I’m paying for that shit again.”
