LOS ANGELES – Employing what the company’s chief executive officer called a “Carrier strategy,” adult studio Ergogenic Hardcore announced a plan to relocate its entire production, marketing, sales and customer service divisions to Mexico in hopes President-elect Donald J. Trump will intervene and offer the company incentives to stay in Los Angeles.
Ergogenic CEO Peter Bosch, who described himself as “Trump’s biggest backer in the porn industry,” said unless his company is given a compelling reason to stay in Los Angeles, he plans to move the entire company to Matamoros, Mexico.
“I’ve been watching the situation with United Technologies Corp. very carefully, and I think I’ve gained a lot of insight into how our new president works,” Bosch said. “Basically, if I can make it seem like he’s accomplished something in the process of doing so, I’m pretty sure he’ll give me whatever I want in terms of federal tax breaks, state tax credits, maybe even an exclusive on Ivanka’s first on-camera DP.”
In keeping with his plan to mimic as closely as possible the circumstances that led to the Carrier deal, Bosch said he will move roughly two-thirds of his company’s jobs to Matamoros, regardless the outcome of his negotiations with Trump.
“We’re not as big a company as United, so there aren’t quite as many jobs at stake, and not nearly the logistical challenge in moving the company, be it in part or in whole,” Bosch said. “Basically, if there’s no deal, we’ll all move to Mexico, but if there’s a deal, it will just be Jeff, Linda, Ernesto and the graphic designer — whose name escapes me right at the moment, but could possibly be Alex.”
Asked what sort of incentives it would take to keep Ergogenic in L.A., Bosch said he’s “open to negotiation,” but he expects to be offered “something in the high eight- to low nine-figure range.”
“I figure if an air conditioner manufacturer in Indiana is worth $7 million, a porn company in L.A. has to be worth a minimum of $70 million, because porn is much more important to California than air conditioning is to Indiana,” Bosch said. “Sure, $70 million is significantly more money than we’ve grossed over the course of our entire existence, but there’s a principle involved here, too. Namely, it’s the principle that holds by all rights I should be retiring at 50 to a luxury beach house in Malibu.”
Skylar Bullock, a professor of economics at Trump University, said Bosch’s tax abatement/retirement plan could work, but only if he “implements it perfectly.”
“In order for Ergogenic to reach its goals in this negotiation, it’s imperative Mr. Bosch obtains a proper education in how to make money in the real estate business first,” Bullock said. “The good news is, if he acts now, I can sign him up for a Trump Gold Elite package for only $34,995, a whopping 28 percent off the list price. Basically, Mr. Bosch can’t afford not to take this deal — especially if he doesn’t want Seal Team Six showing up at his house in the middle of the night to discuss other potential terms, if you know what I mean.”
Other analysts are skeptical Trump will respond to Ergogenic’s planned move to Mexico in the same way he did United’s relocation.
“For starters, Mr. Trump never mentioned Ergogenic during the campaign, so there’s no lingering promise to impose tariffs on their pornographic productions, or any indication he plans to confront the studio over its intent to relocate,” said Stefan Buskeel, who’s probably a lawyer, or a former porn industry lobbyist, or maybe serves as “senior counsel” to some dickhead in Congress.
“Plus, the optics are all wrong here,” Buskeel added. “Bosch is a few inches taller than the President-elect and has way larger hands. There’s no way the Donald wants the world watching his stubby little fingers disappear into Pete’s massive mitts in the course of a press conference handshake. No way.”
