MONTREAL – Leading adult tube site CrunkShack has launched a crowdfunding campaign to send a piloted “Subterrene” drill vehicle toward the center of the earth, in order to shoot the first porn scene ever filmed within the earth’s mantle.
“It has always been a dream of mine to be fucked in the ass while surrounded by superheated molten rock flows,” said Julia Vernon, one of the performers tapped by CrunkShack to make the groundbreaking subterranean booty call. “When I was invited to join the mission, all I could say was ‘Drill, baby, drill!’”
CrunkShack hopes to raise $7.2 billion for the project over the next month via the rapidly growing crowdfunding site GiveYourMoniesPlz.ngogo. As of press time, the campaign had raised nearly $63 in only four days, putting CrunkShack well on its way to making truly underground pornography.
Otto Lidencock, senior in-house producer for CrunkShack and the driving force behind the voyage, said he’s pursuing an aggressive schedule for the shoot, forging ahead with building a home base in Iceland’s Snæfellsjökull National Park before the crowdfunding campaign even began.
“I know the doubters, haters and many so-called ‘geologists’ think I’m mad, but this is going to be the hottest porno ever made — both figuratively and literally,” Lidencock said. “Even my beloved nephew Axel thinks I’ve lost my mind, but his skepticism will not prevent me from forcing him to come along as production assistant, master mechanic and cabin boy. For his insolence, he will be required not only to service and maintain the Subterrene, but to swab semen from the floor after each scene, as well.”
Hans Feljke, who will serve as the voyage’s trusty local guide, said while he’s excited to be taking part in the journey, he was “not without doubt” even as he accepted the gig.
“The mountain, she can be a cruel mistress,” Feljke said of Snæfellsjökull, the stratovolcano that will serve as the CrunkShack team’s point of entry into the earth’s crust. “Just when you think you have mastered her many mysteries and earned her monumental trust, she will tremble mightily and dump many tons of stone right on top of your 2011 Skoda Octavia.”
Despite the public’s apparent enthusiasm for CrunkShack’s proposal, some experts aren’t convinced the expedition will be successful. Colin Bellcamp, an expert on geology and pop culture from Cambridge University, said he thinks the smutty mission is “doomed to be an even bigger mess than the latest Cameron Crowe movie.”
“While this mission may not be hampered by the hackneyed clichés and anguishing predictability of a by-the-numbers Hollywood romantic comedy, the ductility of the lower asthenosphere is another matter altogether,” Bellcamp said. “Put another way, when the ambient temperature outside your vessel is 1300° Celsius, running out of strawberry-flavored personal lubricant might be the least of your on-set porno problems.”
Esteemed paranormal phenomena researcher and internationally recognized ufologist Grigor Katsulumpus said intense heat and seismic shifting are just the beginning of the threats the CrunkShack crew will face.
“It is not just lava of which members of the expedition must be mindful, but also the potential for marauding bands of Reptilians — and possibly Icelandic Morlocks, a far more aggressive breed of troglodyte than their relatively demure and well-behaved English brethren,” Katsulumpus said. “Plus, Reptilians are famous for being extremely socially conservative, as evidenced by their historically staunch support of Rick Santorum and Mike Huckabee, so their objection to the voyage is likely to be about more than just drill-based subterranean trespassing.”
One member of the expedition who definitely isn’t letting the questions and concerns surrounding the voyage get to him is Peter Pounder, Vernon’s male co-star, who told YNOT he “ain’t afraid of no lizard-men dudes, or really hot rocks, or whatever.”
“I’ve been training MMA for the last seven months, so nothing scares me anymore,” Pounder said. “If you think it’s uncomfortably hot near the earth’s core, you should try working out in the Wand Fight Team Gym in Las Vegas when the AC is on the fritz. It’s like grappling in the ninth circle of hell while getting drenched in Brazilian ball-sweat.”
Lidencock said he is so determined to carry off the plan that if the crowdfunding campaign fails, he will turn to more traditional sources of support, including applying for grants from major universities and private endowments designed to support the pursuit of scientific research. Even if he has to abandon his dream of shooting more than 400 miles below the earth’s surface, Lidencock said he’d still like to “get down in there, somewhere, for this project.”
“If the dickheads from Space Biosphere Ventures can talk Ed Bass into forking over hundreds of millions so they and a bunch of graduate students can have a fancy place to dig up worms and pretend to be doing scientifically useful things, I can pull together enough cash to shoot porn in the mid-lithosphere, at least,” Lidencock said.
Image: Kelvinsong
