By Dewey Truman
Special to YNOT
EL CENTRO, Calif. – According to a partial section of a British newspaper found on the floor in a convenience store restroom, Google searches for the term “porn” are to blame for a recently filed celebrity divorce.
“The break up… Google… Ms. Jolie’s name… stopped,” said the parts of the article that remained legible through the coffee and piss stains. “Interest surged… crashed by porn.”
According to a woman outside the convenience store who began sobbing onto a paper plate with what appeared to be a cheese Danish on it when informed of porn searches causing the divorce of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, the celebrity couple’s divorce is “nothing less than an American tragedy.”
“They were just so perfect for each other,” the woman said, regaining her composure. “Why would they break up? Why, why, why? Damn you, online porn searches! Damn you to hell!”
Charlie Utter, a former gold prospector from South Dakota, took a break from filling his gas tank to express skepticism that mere porn searches would be enough to split “such a strong, loving couple.”
“My hunch is there was more than just porn searching going on,” Utter said. “I’ll bet that Brad fella found himself a cam girl and fell in love. Or maybe he’s gotten into t-girls now. Anybody know if he’s made any recent trips to Brazil?”
Frank Wolcott, the convenience store’s clerk, said while he’s not sure what broke up the couple, he’s “dead certain” it wasn’t porn searches.
“I read in the Daily Squealer Brad was sneaking out and banging that chick from Friends again,” Wolcott said. “Not the one from Office Space, either — the one from the old Bruce Springsteen video. But there was also a sidebar article in the same section that questioned whether Brad might actually be gay, though, so maybe his mistress was David Schwimmer. Either way, ain’t got nothing to do with Googling porno. I mean, people really think he’d need to use Google to find porn? I like to think at his age, the guy has figured out how to bookmark a damn website by now.”
Regardless of the role (or lack thereof) of porn searches in the breakup of Pitt and Jolie, the text of the discarded partial article suggests porn isn’t finished wreaking havoc on celebrity marriages.
“Meanwhile… porn continued to rage… despite what’s going on in the news,” the article cryptically concluded.
According to noted conspiracy theorist and radio talk show host Alec Jonas, however, the entire Pitt-Jolie divorce story is “nothing but a distraction” to keep the minds of Americans focused on something other than “what’s really going on.”
“Why do people even care about a celebrity divorce when it has recently been revealed our President may not have been born in Kenya, several blogs have linked to various European engineering journals claiming those publications have concluded the World Trade Center collapses on 9/11 were a result of a controlled demolition, and we’re having new false-flag mass shootings on a weekly basis designed to deprive us of our Second Amendment rights,” Jonas asked, spittle streaming from his mouth as he screamed. “Wake up, people, WAAAAKKKKE UUUUUP!!!”
Celebrity divorce attorney Raoul Shackelton said he disagrees with Jonas, but he also doesn’t believe porn searches are the true cause of the Deppalicious Bennifer Pittgevoight Brangelina divorce.
“At the end of the day, most divorces are about money,” Shackleton said. “From my perspective as a divorce attorney they are, at least. That’s for damn sure.”
Dewey Truman is a freelance investigative journalist who is so busy compiling and analyzing facts, he doesn’t have time to actually read any of the sources from which he gathers said facts.
