NEW YORK – In response to being compared to the facial hair currently being sported by “Leave” vote proponent Nigel Farage, the style of mustache known as the “porn star” is threatening legal action against several British media outlets.
“Associating my client’s classic, trademark look with an established ignoramus such as Nigel Farage is defamation per se,” wrote the porn mustache’s attorney, Alanria Allredshowitz, in a letter to the Daily Mirror and other British outlets. “My client demands you cease and desist all such comparisons immediately and print a retraction clarifying there is no connection between Mr. Farage’s facial hair and pornography. There certainly is no endorsement of Mr. Farage, explicit or implied, on the part of my client or any of his agents, assigns, progeny or personal stylists.”
Does a mustache style have standing to sue the media over such a comparison? Legal experts are divided on the answer.
“You can’t copyright or trademark facial hair, so far as I’m aware, except maybe in Russia,” said Larry Hank Kinfolk, a noted expert on Constitutional law and probably a professor of some kind at one impressive-sounding university or another. “Still, were I the porn mustache, I sure wouldn’t be happy to be compared to anything on Mr. Farage’s head — or inside said head, for that matter.”
Another law professor said he wouldn’t be so quick to dismiss the idea of the porn mustache prevailing, given the peculiar nature of British speech laws.
“Bear in mind, this is a country that appears to have banned online depictions of face-sitting and female ejaculation, but you can watch all the bukkake videos you want,” said Piotr Bolokh-Konspiracy, a blogger and law professor from a school with a much better football program than the one at Kinfolk’s institution. “As such, I wouldn’t be shocked if they’d decline to uphold a beard trademark but honor a mustache copyright. That’s just how they roll — very inconsistently, like an old Dodge Challenger.”
Other observers predict the British media simply would comply with the mustache style’s request, in order to avoid further legal wrangling and public backlash.
“Say what you will about pornography and the porn mustache, but they’re both very popular, especially in the U.S.,” said Geoffrey Twobins, an attorney who regularly appears on a prominent, 24/7 cable news channel, despite being a total dweeb. “In fact, I might have to write a book about the porn mustache, if this case goes to court. I write a lot of books, you know.”
Bruce O’Reary is a loudmouth talking head from the Dingo News Network who’s well-known for yelling at people he invites on his show instead of letting them talk about the actual fucking subject they were allegedly invited there in order to discuss. He said he thinks Farage should counter-sue the porn mustache.
“Look, I’m no attorney, nor can I string together two logical thoughts in sequence without teleprompter-based assistance from my production staff, but I’m pretty sure this lawsuit threat counts as sexual harassment of Mr. Farage,” O’Reary said. “If there’s one thing I know all about — and which my now-former boss knows all about — it’s sexual harassment, law degree or no law degree.”
Allredshowitz said while his client is “not usually the litigious type,” being compared to Farage’s mustache “goes way beyond the pale.”
“My client has a certain reputation to uphold,” Allredshowitz said. “He’s not the Hitler mustache, for God’s sake. He has appeared on the upper lips of some of America’s most beloved figures, including actors, police officers, game show hosts and yes, many of the greatest male porn performers of all time.”
Allredshowitz also said it’s not just his client who has been “irreparably damaged” by the comparison to Farage.
“How do you think Tom Selleck feels about this Farage comparison,” Allredshowitz asked, “or Burt Reynolds, or the estate of Freddie Mercury? This comparison isn’t just unfair, it’s outrageous and defamatory.”
What angers his client more than anything else, Allredshowitz said, is the comparison’s “fundamental inaccuracy.”
“Farage’s so-called ‘mustache’ looks more like he shoved his face into a small pile of glue and pubic hair,” Allredshowitz said. “If that’s a porn mustache, then I guess my 12-year-old niece is getting close to having one, too.”
