By Wayne Ted Jeffries
Special to YNOT

LAFOURCHE PARISH, La. – As a serial killer serving a life sentence with no prospect for parole, and for whom the usual exercise and recreation options for inmates are strictly forbidden, I’ve had little choice than to become an avid reader in the years since my 2008 conviction.

While my first choice for reading material is murder mysteries and horror novels (go figure, right?), I spend a lot of time reading about news and current events, as well. The other day as I was surfing the web looking for stories to which I could relate, I came across a video on the Rolling Stone website of Ted Bundy’s last interview, something obviously right up my dark, dank, dangerous alley.

I’m sure you’ve heard about this interview before. It was conducted by Rev. James Dobson, the founder of Focus on the Family, Family Talk Radio and the Family Research Council, host of the television show The Family Hour For Familial Families, the inventor of delicious Family-Famous Freedom Fries and the author of the best-selling e-book In Case You Haven’t Heard, I’m All About Family.

Many folks have weighed in before on the value, or lack thereof, of Bundy’s comments in terms of illuminating the effects pornography has on the people who watch it. To Dobson and his anti-porn followers, Bundy’s comments represent compelling evidence that porn turns otherwise normal, occasional woman-killers into remorseless, robotic, serial woman-killers.

On the other side of the fence, a lot of people (most of whom have never even interviewed a serial killer, themselves) have questioned whether a guy like Bundy can really be taken at his word, considering he probably never mentioned to any of the women he murdered that he was about to murder them, raising a degree of question about his honesty and forthrightness, as well as his peculiar approach to dating.

Let me tell you, as a guy who has exhausted all his appeals and will (sooner or later) wind up with a needle in his arm, I’ve got to say I think people should pay much closer attention to what Bundy had to say about porn — as well as what I’m going to have to say, once I’ve successfully arranged to be interviewed Rev. Dobson myself.

As it stands, my execution date is tentatively set for May 12, 2017. Accordingly, I’m hoping to schedule my interview with Dobson for somewhere around June 7, 2047, so as to maintain Friday as the appointed day of the week for the big event.

I’m sure to many of you 30 years seems like a long time to wait for an interview, while others might be concerned Dobson, who will be 111 years-old when the time comes, may lack the stamina or mental sharpness at that point to conduct an effective interview. Like the members of his flock, however, I have total faith in Rev. Dobson, which is why I’m insisting the interview be handled by him and not some other gullible Jesus freak morally-upstanding Christian man.

As previously mentioned, I’m fresh out of appellate options, but I’m hoping an entirely separate, brand new motion from my attorneys proves persuasive. The plan is to argue depriving me my interview with Rev. Dobson would be a violation of my First Amendment rights to free expression, religious freedom and the somewhat lesser-known Constitutional right to be interviewed by a reactionary conservative while sitting on death row.

I’ll be disappointed, naturally, if my lawyers don’t also prevail on a motion to delay consideration of our First Amendment arguments until 2046, but that’s a chance I’ll have to take if I want to have the opportunity to tell the truth about how porn turned me into a serial killer.

Why can’t I just tell my story here, now, without speaking into a recorder being operated by Rev. Dobson, you ask?

First of all, the whole point of this exercise is for the immense gravitas and unquestionable credibility of a man who is easily the most decent and ethical anti-porn activist alive (now that Charles Keating has kicked the bucket) to lend credence to my claims.

If I reveal what porn has done to me outside the context of an interview with Rev. Dobson, people might start asking questions about the truth and sincerity of what I say — like why I haven’t brought any of us this up before, during police interrogations, interviews with my own defense attorneys, on a witness stand, or during counseling sessions with any of the 37 different state-appointed therapists I’ve attempted to eat alive during my incarceration.

The bottom line is this, folks: If you can’t trust what a vicious, despicable and deranged serial killer has to say about porn’s evils when discussing such with a guy who has dedicated his entire adult life to a quixotic campaign against the publication of sexually-explicit materials, who can you trust and in what context would you trust them?

Naturally, if this interview-with-an-ancient-reverend strategy for postponing my execution doesn’t pan out, it’s important for me to have a backup plan. Anybody know if sliding down a three-story laundry chute into an empty metal bin is necessarily fatal?

Wayne Ted Jeffries is a convicted serial killer who recently found out if you blame your murderous, sociopathic tendencies on past exposure to hardcore pornography, a pretty hefty percentage of Americans are dumb enough to actually believe such laughable, transparently self-serving bullshit.