RIO DE JANEIRO – Somewhat overshadowed by another much-celebrated competition taking place in the city this week, Rio’s Jogos Pornográficos 2016 event is now also being marred by controversy, the result of an American competitor allegedly fabricating the details of a purported robbery earlier this week.
The Jogos Pornográficos, or Porn Games, takes place every four years, testing the performance, stamina, attractiveness and filthiness of world-class amateur porn performers from around the globe. Unfortunately, the record-shattering performances and human drama of the Games’ last two weeks has taken a backseat to a shocking story of robbery at dickpoint reported earlier this week by American spurting champion Brian Cochtese.
In an interview with MSNBCBSPN’s Brad Plower conducted before Cochtese flew home to the U.S., Cochtese claimed a rickshaw transporting him and his teammates from an after-hours party back to their Vila Pornô Atleta residence was run off the road by “a truckload of dildo-brandishing bandits,” after which the athletes were forced to hand over their cash, jewelry and commemorative Cybererotica foam boobs.
Cochtese, who last weekend captured the silver medal in the lightweight division of the Distance Spurt competition, claimed one of the bandits “put a big, black dildo right to my forehead and told me if I didn’t hand over my money, he’d bend me over right there and fuck my ass with it.”
The story cast an immediate pall over the Games, making other sexual superstars nervous and fearful about straying away from the host venue and putting a serious damper on the much-anticipated Jogadores Bola coordinated by porn industry gadfly D-Dinheiro.
“I almost cancelled the Ball, but then I realized I was contractually obligated to pay MC Screwdriver and Ja Ordinance whether they performed or not,” D-Dinheiro said.
While he certainly wasn’t happy with the sparse turnout for his party, at the time D-Dinheiro felt the party was “a very minor thing” compared to the mortal peril experienced by Cochtese and his fellow members of the U.S. spurt team.
“This robbery thing really fucked me, but I’m just glad Brian and the other guys are OK,” D-Dinheiro said. “I’ve had a dildo pointed at my head before and let me tell you, it’s really scary, especially when it’s a Brazilian doing it. A lot of these Brazilians guys are really good at jiu-jitsu, so when they threaten to take you down and put a dildo up your ass, the danger is very real.”
As the week unfolded, however, it wasn’t the realness of the threat of being fucked in the ass with a dildo by a Brazilian jiu-jitsu black belt that came under question, but the veracity of Cochtese’s story itself.
“We investigate claim by American sex gymnast, but find no evidence of dildo threats or bandit activity in area during time in question,” said Fernando Buraco Apertado of Rio de Janeiro’s civil police in a Thursday press conference. “What we do find is video of several sex gymnasts try to steal Doritos from uma loja de conveniência. Yes, the security guard who work for loja de conveniência pointed his stick at asex gymnast to get control of situation. Stick was only proper police-stick though, not big, black dildo as claimed, or policeman’s own penis like some irresponsible American media rumor suggest.”
Some participants in the Games who previously supported Cochtese are now expressing disappointment and anger with the accomplished spurter.
“It’s just really sad to have one of my American compatriots tell lies that play into an unfortunate stereotype about Rio being a crime-ridden hellhole,” said Audrey Kent, a member of the American Transgender self-suck squad. “And what’s so scary about getting fucked in the ass by a dildo, anyway? For some of the more adventurous among us, that’s called ‘every Wednesday night.’”
By Friday morning, Cochtese had apologized for his “inaccurate description” of what happened during the incident.
“I don’t speak Portugese, so all I knew was some angry dude was pointing what looked like a giant black dildo at me and yelling,” Cochtese said. “It’s easy to sit there at home all sober and say I should have been more reasonable or should have known the security guard wasn’t going to fuck my ass with his stick. Talk to me after you’ve knocked back a dozen 24-ounce Caipirinhas in under an hour and we’ll see just how ‘reasonable’ you are then.”
