By Mike Foreman
Special to YNOT
EL PINACATE, Mexico – An inescapable truth appears to be lost on all the half-assed environmentalists and Prius-driving quasi-hippies out there: The single biggest threat to this planet is the human species.
No amount of growing your own vegetables or swapping Volkswagen micro-buses for hybrid compacts is going to stop the voracious, shortsighted eco-greed of homo sapiens, no matter how many cool things Elon Musk manages to invent before soon-to-be President Donald Trump has him deported sometime next year.
Many of my fellow radical environmentalists accept my premise and share the belief humans are worse for the environment than anything ever spewed from an exhaust pipe. Unfortunately, this has led quite a few of them to give up the cause of saving the planet and instead spend most of their time smoking pot, following shitty “jam bands” and wearing tie-dye shirts while unsuccessfully trying to hook up with hippie chicks who are one-fourth their age.
Not me, though. I still have hope — because of porn.
From what I’ve read lately, people everywhere are having less sex — which means less procreation, leading to fewer humans, meaning maybe, someday, I’ll be able to go to the DMV and renew my driver’s license in less time than it takes to grow a full beard.
More importantly, a fast and steady reduction in the number of new humans being produced could mitigate the damage we do to the planet, collectively if not individually.
I’ll be frank here: As someone who loves the planet and the vast majority of its animals, I’m in favor of any measure that serves to reduce the human population, whether it’s the death penalty, abortion, pandemic disease, chemical castration or a bunch of people sticking forks in light sockets en masse.
As such, I don’t want to hear crying and moaning about porn being unethical, exploitative, corrosive or denigrating to those who perform in it, watch it, or find themselves competing with it in the bedroom.
Ladies, has your husband lost interest in fucking you because at this point he really only wants to stick his dick in the butt of some tattooed runaway who wound up in Chatsworth, Calif., sucking dick on video for a living? Look at the bright side: At least the two of you will never conspire to produce yet another energy-sucking, oxygen-burning mouth for the rest of the planet to feed.
Fellas, has your wife turned frigid toward you ever since you talked her into watching that one extreme anal porn scene with you? Sure, she probably thinks you’re a disgusting scumbag, but at least now you’ll never have a child who can grow up to resent you and disregard your desire to be cremated, instead haphazardly tossing your remains in a dumpster behind the KFC she manages — or worse, into the fryer inside the aforementioned KFC.
So, all you pornographers, while I’ve noticed a lot of the guest contributors who submit articles to this site are highly critical of your industry, I thought it might be nice for you to hear some encouraging words for a change.
Don’t listen to all the anti-porn doubters, haters and naysayers. It’s just a bunch of noise and propaganda from Big Humanity lobbyists, who represent the most nefarious pro-person special interest group since the establishment of the International Red Cross.
If the anti-porn haters ever get you down, just remember that by making highly unusual, deeply perverse and nearly impossible sex acts seem perfectly reasonable things for people to do in their own sex lives, you’re performing an important service. Slowly but surely, pixel by pixel, cumshot by cumshot, you’re saving the planet, hopefully securing it for a more ethical and ecologically-sensitive form of dominant species to come along in the future — like a bipedal hybrid of the cockroach and the dung beetle, or something.
Mike Foreman is a radical environmentalist and founder of Humans Last!, an environmental activist movement inspired by the famous Theodore Flabbé novel The Ratchet Wrench Crew.
