When I was a young man, despite my proclivity for getting high on just about any substance that would get the job done (and even those that only allegedly got the job done, like banana peels and peanut skins), a lot of people told me I had a future in politics.
I’d like to think people said that out of a profound respect for my rhetorical skills and persuasive argumentation, but realistically I think it was just recognition of my inclination toward duplicity and self-enrichment.
For decades now, I’ve resisted the allure of a political career, in part because I can’t stand shaking people’s hands or kissing babies, but also because I never could come up with a satisfying answer to the seminal question, “What’s in it for me?”
Recent events in the news have opened my eyes, however, shining a spotlight on benefits of a political career that hitherto had escaped my notice –- like taxpayer-funded access to a virtually endless trove of cuckold videos, for example.
Yes, Tom Witts, the Mayor of Snellville, Georgia (not to be confused with Whoville Mayor Augustus May Who, who reliable sources tell me is more into fauxcest than cuckold porn), has become my political inspiration, personal career blueprint and Ich Ideal all in one southern-gentlemanly package.
A 66-count indictment brought by Gwinnett County District Attorney Danny Porter accuses Witts of tax evasion, lying about whether he had any outstanding tax debts in official documents during his campaigns for city council and mayor, willful conflict of interest in improperly allowing a business he owns to perform work for the city by undercutting other bidders, and using campaign funds for his personal expenses.
It’s the last of those allegations that draws my attention as a prospective politician. Sure, I wouldn’t mind evading a few taxes either, but I’ve noticed even highly effective criminals often get pinched for tax evasion, even if it’s not the crime the cops would really like to pin on them.
Looking over Witts’s indictment, I’m pretty well convinced if he had stuck to using his campaign funds to pay for his $14.99/month Adult-Share.net membership, rather than booking sea cruises and vacation flights as well, no charges would have been filed, even if this minor abuse of power had come to light.
Still, I do have to respect the ambition and can-do spirit Witts evinced in extending his mayoral misdeeds into tax evasion, perjury and bid-fixing. For some reason, the buzzkill who indicted Witts doesn’t share my admiration for the multitalented multi-felon.
“I’ve never seen anything like this,” Porter said about Witts’s alleged crimes, “and I’ve never seen this sort of broad array of entitlement.”
C’mon Danny. Everybody knows a broad array of entitlement is no less than a mayor deserves. After all, just think of all the sacrifices Witts made just to get to where he is. And since this is Georgia we’re talking about, I assume at least one of the sacrifices involved goats, virgins and/or chickens.
As for Witts, he assures the whole thing is just a misunderstanding and much ado about cuckolding nothing.
“I’m sure it’s the stuff that we’ve been going over and going through for the last couple years,” Witts said, “and I hope that we can get enough information to satisfy the district attorney.”
If you read the above quote carefully, I think we can see a hint of Witts’s defense strategy starting to take shape. That’s right: Witts is going to try bribing Porter by letting the prosecutor use his Adult-Share.net account.
What else could Witts mean by getting “enough information” (aka “data,” a common catchall for anything people download) to “satisfy the district attorney”?
It’s a high-risk ploy, to be sure, which makes me think Witts knows something about Porter’s personal viewing habits (or his wife’s sex life) he can exploit during plea negotiations. This ace up Witts’s sleazy sleeve isn’t necessarily cuckold porn, of course. It could be ball-stomping, facesitting, watersports, sissy/slut training, or any number of other prosecutor-friendly porn genres.
Either way, when the next election cycle rolls around, I’m going to shave, start using deodorant, buy at least two pairs of new pants and throw my hat in the ring as a mayoral candidate.
I haven’t decided which city I want to preside over yet, but I’m ruling out anywhere in Georgia. If I do get caught using campaign funds to pay for my porn, there’s no way I’m letting myself get prosecuted by some privacy-invading, pinstriped automaton –- especially one who quite possibly spends the night with his face trapped in a smotherbox.
