MADISON, Wis. – A penis attached to an unidentified 43-year-old Midwestern porn fan strongly denounced its owner’s taste in adult entertainment today, complaining the man “seems to have attended the Johnny Knoxville school of human sexuality” and “wouldn’t know what good sex looked like if it walked up and sucked on me.”
“I’m not opposed to porn, at least in moderation,” said One-Eyed Pete, a roughly five-inch Caucasian penis originally from Green Bay, Wisc., who said he mostly hangs around Madison these days. “But does it have to involve seven dudes, a couple of speculums and buckets of saliva?”
Pete, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said his owner has been “watching porn for decades,” and for most of those years Pete didn’t have problem with the man’s porn consumption.
“Back when he was in college, I think porn was just different, or maybe he became jaded to the tamer stuff over time,” Pete said. “Originally, it was all pretty much features, lots of movies and performers considered ‘classic’ nowadays. Very little anal and a lot of girl-girl, which is always cool by me.”
Over the years, the man started “gravitating toward the heavier stuff,” Pete said, a process that began with “a noticeable and increasing affection for graphic portrayals of butt sex.”
“Look, I’m a cock, so I totally get it,” Pete said. “Generally speaking, it feels pretty damn good being up in there. But I also believe it’s possible for there to be too much of a good thing — and, honestly, I’m not sure how much of a ‘good thing’ relentlessly endoscopic porn is in the first place.”
Pete said his owner’s porn tastes are also potentially “a serious public-relations concern.”
“I know this is going to sound like a cock-copout, but as a penis, I don’t get to choose how I respond to the sort of stimulation I experience,” Pete said. “Right now, his girlfriend has no idea he’s into anal gangbangs, bukkake, cum-swapping or any of the other really deviant stuff he likes. Suppose she finds out. How is she going to feel about me, knowing I get hard for her and all the weird shit? Plus, I don’t want him to go back to picking up hookers down on Badger Road like we did back in the ’90s. I’m way too old for that shit.”
Dr. Jonathon Thomas, head of the Johnson Institute for Penile Studies, said Pete’s complaints are “not uncommon among modern penises, especially in the age of the internet.”
“Many older penises who visit our clinic have voiced similar concerns, especially those whose owners are involved in long-term relationships,” Thomas said. “For some, it’s a minor worry that manifests as slightly elevated testicular stress. Others fear abandonment. At the extreme end of the spectrum, they sometimes develop ‘Bobbitt’s Syndrome,’ a particularly severe form of detachment anxiety.”
Pete’s owner declined to answer questions, but issued a brief statement defending his choice in pornographic entertainment and disputing Pete’s characterization thereof.
“While I won’t respond to Pete’s specific claims about the porn I choose to watch, I vehemently deny any of it can be reasonably described as ‘deviant,’” the unidentified Madison resident said in his statement. “Just because Pete can’t appreciate the artistry and beauty involved in extreme anal action, or the flexibility and resolve required to make such content, doesn’t make me a pervert. Also, I don’t recall ever hearing him complain as I’ve been stroking him to climax while watching said porn.”
Pete called his owner’s response a “sadly predictable low blow” and reiterated his lack of choice in the matter.
“Hey, don’t just take my word for it,” Pete said. “Ask my next-door neighbor if he had any say in our mutual friend’s lovely new penchant for self-penetration just before climax.”
