NEW YORK – When it comes to stretching and straining for reasons to insert the word “porn” into a headline, nobody can top the British tabloid press.

When they’re not busy hanging on Mia Khalifa’s every word or updating tales of porn performers turned drug smugglers, they find ways to make passages from books published 13 years ago sound like startling new revelations.

“Porn star Jenna Jameson reveals the time she feared WWE wrestling legend the Undertaker was going ‘to kidnap’ her,” shrieked a recent headline from The Sun.  “Former adult movie queen says she used to hang out with the Dead Man as a teenager as she recalls how the former world champ threatened to ‘beat the f**k’ out of a guy chatting her up.”

Setting aside for a moment the question of how one goes about beating the fork out of someone, let alone how the fork got into the person in the first place (or why they’d prefer to keep the fork inside them, for that matter), what strikes me most about The Sun’s headline and sub-head is the urgent, present-tense tone of the thing.

These aren’t new revelations coughed up by Jameson, of course. They’re things she wrote in her 2004 book, My Life.

Wait, no. Sorry. My Life was Bill Clinton’s 2004 book. Jameson’s book was How to Make Love Like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale. I get those two confused sometimes, mostly because they have very similar tits.

Anyway, in her book, Jameson wrote of her friendship with the wrestler, “Undertaker was one of the biggest WWF wrestlers at the time.” That is strange, because I didn’t even know the World Wildlife Fund employed pro wrestlers.

Evidently, Undertaker wasn’t just big. He also was extremely obnoxious and gimmicky, even by the standards of pro wrestling.

“He would put people in coffins and set them on fire in the ring,” Jameson wrote. “And the scary thing is, that character he played was not an act.”

I assume by this, Jameson means Undertaker used to put people in coffins and set them on fire outside the ring, as well. In addition to being fundamentally unsafe for the person inside the flaming coffin, this is not the sort of behavior of which Smokey the Bear would approve, particularly if Undertaker spent time in National Forests.

According to Jameson, Undertaker became the kind of friend who is a wee bit possessive of his female compatriots. On one occasion, he told a fellow who offered to buy Jameson a shot of booze, “You can get me a shot of Jaeger, and you can get yourself a shot of shut-the-f*** up.”

Just as an aside, what is it with this Undertaker guy and fucking forks? And why doesn’t The Sun just write out the word “fork”? Did it get banned in the UK along with face-sitting videos, and nobody mentioned it?

Among other things, Undertaker also seems to have had a strange idea of what constitutes a romantic thing to say to a woman.

“Taker, 52, then tried to woo Jameson according to the widely recognized greatest female porn star of all-time, telling her: ‘I’m going to kick your boyfriend’s ass and take you away with me.’”

I must admit, to this point in The Sun‘s article, I’d been operating under the assumption the Undertaker was a nickname, but apparently this guy’s name is Under Taker. (His parents had a sense of humor, I’ll give him that much.)

At any rate, at the time, Jameson clearly was worried Taker was serious about the idea of beating up her boyfriend, tucking her under his arm and riding and/or grunting off into the sunset.

“I knew he was serious,” Jameson wrote. “I ran upstairs and told Jordan we had to leave, because this guy was going to beat the f**k out of him and kidnap me. So I never saw him again.”

Again with the fork? How many men did Jameson associate with who had swallowed utensils? Or was the problem perhaps they shoved such implements too far up their asses?

If, like me, you find yourself wondering why The Sun chose now to relate the tale of Jameson, Taker and all those goddamn forks, the answer is the wrestler is soon coming out of (a six-month) retirement to “compete” at the 25^th anniversary of something called “Monday Night Raw,” an event I assume involves eating sashimi.

Here’s hoping all involved eat the sashimi with their hands, because clearly the last thing you want to do around Mr. Taker is be seen holding a f**k.

Image © Carlos Koblischek