LOS ANGELES – In this modern age of the 24/7 news cycle and high-visibility “trending” items on social media, it seems like a new porn-publicity opportunity presnts itself on an hourly basis. No matter how responsive your company’s marketing team, it can be a challenge to keep up, because even as you’re rushing to exploit one headline-grabbing opportunity another one comes along.
Adult industry publicist Kristopher Crass has come up with an innovative solution to the rigorous demands of the rapid-fire publicity opportunities presented by the digital age, however — a time-saving approach to making the most of every opportunity that comes your company’s way, no matter how many celebrities humiliate themselves nearly simultaneously.
Crass said his new killer app, the Dynamic Open Letter Tool (DOLT), eliminates both the hassle and guesswork of firing off porn job offers to famous people on a daily basis.
“DOLT is basically an advanced version of a form letter, one that enables the user to swap in a large number of variables to compose an instantly-shareable open letter to any person who is currently in the headlines,” Crass said. “As new and different reasons for fame come along, they are added in real time to our Publicity Rationale Objective Database (PROD).”
Even though DOLT is still early in its beta phase, Crass said the PROD already contains more than 700 justifications for contact, covering everything from “victimized celebrities whose nude pictures have actually been hacked from the cloud,” to “lying idiot celebrities who accidentally tweet pictures of their cock out to a massive list of followers but then try to blame the gaffe on their nude pictures having been hacked from the cloud.”
In its current form, DOLT is presented as an interactive web page with a few simple paragraphs of boilerplate text along with drop-down menus for selecting specific terms and keywords that are sprinkled within the body of the letter.
For example, in the portion of the interface that permits the user to reference the reason the recipient is currently in the news, the drop-down menu options include recent acquittal on murder charges, the popularity of a viral video made by the recipient, the recipient’s vague resemblance to Ted Cruz, a recent fall from grace at their ministry after the recipient pastor was caught in a seedy motel room smoking crack with a male prostitute, the recipient’s recent application for welfare because she and her 14 children have no income now that their unwatchable reality-TV show has been cancelled, and a variety of other common problems experienced by people who have become famous for no good reason.
DOLT also allows users to set the proposed remuneration in terms of dollar amount or other compensation within a range that reaches up to seven figures from a starting point of two free Papa John’s specialty pizzas and a six pack of RC Cola.
“Not every studio can afford to throw around a million bucks, which matters because there’s always the infinitesimally small chance the recipient could say yes to an offer,” Crass said. “Especially if getting pregnant as a teenager in order to land a spot on a reality-TV show didn’t work out to be the gateway to mainstream fame they’d anticipated.”
One of Crass’s rivals in the porn publicity game, Matt Culolik, said he doubts the letters generated by DOLT will work to win the attention of the media and general public because they “lack the human touch.”
“Reaching out to celebrities as a means of generating publicity is a tricky business, and you have to approach each situation differently,” Culolik said. “No algorithm or script can replace the personal care and exacting consideration I put into editing my porn job offer Word template, where I painstakingly replace one misspelled word with another so I don’t accidentally refer to ‘Chewborca Mum’ as ‘OctoMULF,’ or reference the wrong Kardashian in a letter to whichever rapper one of them starts fucking next.”
Currently, DOLT’s focus is offering porn performance jobs to famous people, but Crass said his software easily could be adjusted to include other types of publicity stunts if anyone in the porn industry were ever to have a unique idea. Crass described the possibility as “extremely unlikely, but technically not entirely out of the question.”
