By Matt LeMaestro
Special to YNOT
CHICAGO – When it comes to college football prospects and the NFL draft, I thought I knew everything. I thought I had considered every angle and anticipated all the possibilities, from each prospect’s ceiling as a talent to the myriad ways they could embarrass their potential employers on social media in the future.
And then I saw a video of an offensive tackle using a helmet-bong, posted just minutes before the draft started. Like a lot of other veteran draft analysts, this revealing moment made me realize how little I know about my own kids.
That’s all going to change, starting today, when I sit down my 31-year-old son for a serious discussion about porn. We’ll talk about football too, of course, but mostly we’ll chat about porn, why he shouldn’t watch it, and how it could distract him from football, “the best game that’s ever been fucking invented,” to quote a great man wearing an even greater Kangol cap.
“Son,” I’ll say, “You’re reaching an age at which you’re going to see a lot of things on the internet that might confuse or even frighten you, and as your dad and the grandfather of your kids, it’s my job to make sure you properly understand all these things in a football context.”
It’s a talk I’ve been meaning to have with him ever since he moved out of my house 13 years ago to go to college. You know what they say: “better late than never” — unless you’re in man-to-man coverage with no safety help over the top, that is.
I’m not going to belabor the point when it comes to talking porno with my son. This will be a very quick, efficient, 15-minute interview in which I’ll first get a handle on how much porn he watches, how often he does it, and whether in addition to committing the sin of watching pornography, he’s also committing the sin of watching pornography that God Almighty and/or Bill Belichick would find to be an “abomination,” if you catch my drift.
During our meeting, I’m going to keep my eye on the ball, stay focused, and give 110 percent of my attention and effort to making sure my son hasn’t developed a problem with porn and won’t do so in the future. Sure, we won’t know for at least a few seasons whether I’ve been successful, but the film on this kid is very positive, so I’m optimistic he’ll turn out to be a great pick for our family.
Of course, to really get to know your kid, it takes a lot more than a 15-minute meeting — which is why I’ll also be putting my son through a series of tests to see how quickly he can run the 40-yard dash, measure his vertical leap and evaluate whether his palms are unusually rosy.
As the Laremy Tunsil video demonstrated, even coaches general managers scouts dads who really research their kids still miss the occasional warning sign, like wearing a pink dress shirt, owning more than one album by The Cure or having a flight helmet with a two-foot bong attached to it.
Accordingly, I’m not going to accept what my son says about his porn-viewing habits at face value. I’m going to hire a private detective to run down every rumor, investigate each piece of innuendo and scour every last corner of his browsing history.
If this boy has ever so much as thought about jacking off to a tranny, believe me, I’m going to know — just like I know about the time he passed out in the shared third-floor bathroom in his old dorm, wearing nothing but a bright yellow apron with the phrase “Hot Stuff Coming Through” stitched on the front.
As observed by my fellow draft analyst on the Covenant Eyes website, as parents we’re always “on the clock” — meaning I need to make a decision about when and where to talk to my son about porn within the next 10 minutes, or he might end up talking to Jerry Jones or Ozzie Newsome about it, instead. This is a challenge because, I must admit, the McDermott kid who lives up the street from us is tempting as a late-round selection, despite his below-average blocking skills.
Of course, even if I do find out my son has been using masturbation-enhancing substances, this doesn’t totally close the door on the possibility of making him part of our organization. With some time, a little effort on his part and month after month of demonstrating complete, unbending loyalty and the willingness to do whatever I say it takes to win, he might even be permitted to bring his kids around for a visit at Christmastime.
Naturally, if there’s no porno problem, or if all my son has ever done wrong is something really minor and trivial, like punching, kicking and choking his girlfriend, we’ll be more than happy to sign him to a long-term contract.
After all, if we later find out he’s been jerking off to abominations in the training room after practice, we can always trade him to the Cleveland Browns.
Matt LeMaestro is an expert on football, child-rearing and safety. He has authored several top-selling e-books, including Friday Night Concussion Protocol for Fathers and Sons and Anybody Who Says Football is Bad For Kids is a Commie.
