LANA’I CITY, Hawaii – A new study conducted by researchers from the University of Hawaii at Ni’ihau (UHN) has revealed a “definitive causal connection” between porn viewing and “use of foul language and expression of verbal obscenities.”
According to lead researcher Dr. Steven McGarret, his team’s study was a “meta-analysis” of dozens of other studies from more than 20 countries around the world, each of which indicated a strong correlation between watching sexually explicit materials and cursing.
“The problem appears to be most prevalent on U.S. Marine bases, at comedy clubs and all across Australia, where porn-addicted cornstalks and belligerent banana-benders throw around the C-word like they’re being paid a royalty every time the filthy term is uttered,” said McGarret. “We also observed sudden upswings in use of vulgar phrases to refer to sexual congress everywhere there has been a major increase in broadband internet access over the past decade, including the Limpopo province in South Africa, to which many porn-obsessed locals now refer as ‘Fuck-Stick Acres.’”
McGarret’s colleague, Dr. Chin Ho, said while the increase in cursing is most evident in those who watch porn regularly, even occasional viewers are subject to porn’s corrupting linguistic influence.
“As we conducted the study, it was inevitable our research team would come into contact with some pornography ourselves,” Ho said. “I didn’t even realize the effect viewing it was having on me until one day when my wife called, and without even thinking about it, I said to my assistant ‘tell that bitch I’ll call her back because I’m fucking busy earning a goddamn living,’ or something horrible along those lines. Thankfully, my assistant softened the message considerably before passing it along, because clearly even brief exposure to porn causes me to temporarily surrender all sense of restraint and propriety.”
Dr. Thomas Magnum, a professor of psychiatry at nearby research rival University of Hawaii A&T&M (UHATM) said he’s skeptical of McGarret’s findings, citing weaknesses inherent to the meta-analysis process and varying methods in how the source data was compiled.
“If you look closely at the data, a lot of this swearing is found on platforms like message boards, Facebook posts, tweets and other informal settings,” Magnum observed. “Just as I don’t think we can assume the phone numbers appearing next to text like ‘for a good time call’ really represent the gateway to an opportunity for easy sexual conquest, I don’t think we should view each instance in which ‘Fuck Obama’ has been scratched onto the wall of a public toilet stall as broadly representative of the tenor of local political discourse.”
Dr. Jon Q. Higgins, an associate of Magnum’s at UHATM, concurred with his colleague but cautioned more study is needed before the UHN research can be “decisively dismissed or eagerly endorsed.”
“What’s needed here is a long-term longitudinal study of young adults that accounts for other influences on their verbal expression,” Higgins said. “We need to be careful to account for factors like exposure to college football coaches, impromptu sidewalk interviews with Alec Baldwin conducted outside his place in Greenwich Village and, of course, films featuring Samuel L. Jackson.”
Members of the adult entertainment industry were even more stringent in their criticism of the study, seeing it as yet another attempt to blame them for social ills that have nothing to do with their products.
“This fucking study claiming porn viewing causes an increase in cursing is such fucking bullshit, it’s not even fucking funny,” said porn director Jimmy Duskish. “I’ve been watching porn my whole fucking life, and you don’t hear me walking around fucking swearing and shit all the fucking time.
“I’m a really fucking intellectually honest person, so if there was anything valid about this bullshit study I’d fucking say so,” Duskish added. “With all due respect, the dickheads who conducted this study are obviously nothing but a bunch of moronic fuckwits and shit-eating cocksuckers.”
