By Rex Rod
Special to YNOT
HOLLYWOOD – Normally, I’m an “anything goes” kind of guy when it comes to porn parodies — a viewer who appreciates directors for whom nothing is sacred.
I didn’t object, for example, when director Jimmy Duskish released The Sexual Adventures of Fuckleberry Hinn or Atlas Sucked, despite my affection for the original classics on which those two parody works were based.
For that matter, I didn’t dock Duskish any stars for clearly having mixed up the characters Pap Finn, Jim and the Widow Douglas, depicting Douglas as the degenerate drunk, Pap as the slave and Jim as the woman who adopts Huck and attempts to “civilize tha fuck out his young white ass, fo’ real.”
For the latest parody from director C.V. Joint Norelco, Night Cunt: A Hardcore XXX Satire, I can manage no such pity or generosity of reviewing spirit.
This movie and the trailer promoting it are a travesty, an affront and a miscarriage of satirical justice of the highest order.
The first and most noticeable mistake was the casting, a task to which Norelco apparently gave no thought whatsoever. Any fool could tell you Pirates star Evan Stone would have been the ideal choice to play wisecracking Judge Harry Balzac, but Norelco instead opted to go with Manuel Labor, whose wooden affect and thick accent rendered Balzac’s many quips entirely unfunny, not to mention virtually unintelligible.
Far worse than the Balzac-Labor pairing, though, was Norelco’s choice to play Nostradumbass “Blueballs” Shannon, the bailiff. Massive, dumb and balding in the original show, Shannon is depicted in Night Cunt, inexplicably, by the vertically-challenged Italian adult star Robert Baggedmani, a hairy snarl of a man who’s maybe 5’2″ in height.
While Baggedmani’s disproportionately large penis doubtlessly is porn-worthy, his creepy, meticulously waxed imperial mustache would be more at home in a 1916 vaudeville show than a 2016 porn parody. Plus, every time he opens his mouth, I’m reminded of Super Mario. It’s very hard to maintain an erection while re-experiencing the intense frustration of repeatedly trying — and failing — to complete the Lava Spire Daredevil Run.
Worst of all, though, are the many procedural errors committed by Judge Balzac and the attorneys handling the case at the center of the film’s action, an alleged vending machine chocolate bar robbery being handled by foulmouthed prosecutor Dan Feeldong and public defender Petya Young, who also happens to be Judge Balzac’s lover.
First of all, in light of his apparently daily engagement in anal sex with Ms. Young, Balzac really should have recused himself from the case right from the word go. It only makes matters much worse when he grants the defense a recess, only to demand a blowjob in the men’s room from the defendant, Carla Blewvier, who evidently has been in Balzac’s court many other times on prostitution charges.
While he appears unaware of all the inappropriate ex parte contact going on between the judge and the defense, Feeldong isn’t exactly innocent of unprofessional behavior, himself.
Apparently thinking it could improve the chances the defendant would cop a plea, Feeldong persuades Sharon Dix, Ms. Young’s precocious paralegal, to join him for a threesome with Art Bendsterover, the hapless court maintenance man who later interrupts the proceedings by causing ceiling tiles to plummet onto Balzac’s head in the middle of closing arguments.
When all has been said and everyone has been done, Judge Balzac properly declares a mistrial — but not because of the many mistakes of law and criminal procedure at trial, but because he’s hoping for another roll in the hay with Blewvier!
Even though it’s a fictional portrayal, Night Cunt presents an unacceptable miscarriage of pornographic justice, encouraging its viewers to believe our justice system is based on nothing but aberrant sex acts, rampant greed, unbridled corruption and incompetent maintenance workers, when in fact, incompetent maintenance workers are really quite rare in the American court system.
While I hated its factual inaccuracies and its glib treatment of the serious physical infrastructure issues facing our courts today, I must admit some of the sex in Night Cunt is pretty hot. I’m still inclined to give it the lukewarm rating of Slightly Strokable, though, just because the thrill of the sex is muted by poor filmmaking, worse casting and a desperately poor understanding of the ins and outs of American criminal procedure.
Next time, we’ll take a critical look at the latest porn parody from director Stephane Spewieberg — an espionage-related erotic thriller called Bridge of Thighs.
Rex Rod is a respected reviewer of adult films who has spent more than 30 years watching movies, critiquing directors and being kicked out of coin-operated viewing booths for insisting on bringing along his favorite recliner and smoking a pipe during screenings.
