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Home Home Page Features Middle Feature

New Malware Apps Drinking, Gambling Behind Users’ Backs

Ben Suroeste by Ben Suroeste
March 4, 2016
in Middle Feature, Top Features, YNOT WTF!
New Malware Apps Drinking, Gambling Behind Users’ Backs
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NeonJokerSAN CLEMENTE, Calif. – On the heels of a report about mobile malware apps clandestinely watching porn, San Clemente-based security firm UNEWB says it has identified another set of malicious apps designed to engage in other immoral purposes without the knowledge of the user.

“The cyber-criminals behind this meticulously organized attack against app stores appear to have moved on from smut,” said Stacy Stedenko, a senior researcher at UNEWB. “Now, they’re getting into excessive alcohol consumption, profligate gambling and frequenting prostitutes, resulting in enormous phone bills and humiliating conversations between mobile-equipped spouses.”

According to Stedenko, the malicious apps have expertly appropriated the logos and marketing text associated with popular gaming apps, like “Aggravated Assault: San Bernardino,” “Colorful Confection Smash-Up” and “Puzzle-Time Thingamajig with Odd Shapes and Such,” making the bogus apps virtually indistinguishable from the legitimate ones.

Stedenko said the apps work by opening processes that run in the background, including during times the phone’s owner is likely to be asleep and won’t notice their devices are “guzzling booze, hiring hookers and completely losing their betting discipline during marathon online games of Texas Hold ‘Em.”

“On the one hand, these malicious apps are extremely sophisticated, technically speaking,” Stedenko said. “On the other, they’re really quite crass, rude and obnoxious, particularly toward the hookers, and especially once they have a few drinks in them.”

Cathy Flakatcher, a customer support representative for MicroPear, said she has received “literally thousands” of complaints about the nefarious new apps.

“People who call in for help with this issue don’t seem to want to hear they should try restarting their phone or about patches they can download, or get advice on how to avoid these kinds of apps in the future,” Flakatcher said. “Mostly, they just want to threaten me or call me a ‘fucking MicroPear retard,’ which obviously doesn’t get them any closer to solving the problem but must yield some kind of psychological comfort because everybody is doing it.”

While he said he hasn’t verbally abused any customer support reps, MicroPear customer and former New York politician Anthony Schlonger said he’s “dismayed by the poor security measures” in place at the company’s app store.

“I went through all sorts of terrible problems with my last phone due to the telecom’s bad security practices,” Schlonger said. “Like this one time, somebody hacked my phone and started tweeting out pictures of some guy who looked like me, with an erection, wearing just his underwear.”

Schlonger added the incident was “totally humiliating” and the subsequent media firestorm “almost ruined” his career.

“Luckily my wife is a total doormat, so she stood by me through it all, even though it was totally obvious I was lying my ass off about being hacked,” Schlonger said. “Hey — that tape recorder isn’t still running, right? OK, good.”

Heavily bearded security expert Richard Cluley said consumers should expect hackers and cyber-criminals to continue to evolve, crafting new and different ways to exploit security holes on various mobile devices.

“If you’re just now taking steps now to protect your phone from becoming a drunken, sex-crazed gambling addict, you’re several steps behind the criminals,” Cluley said. “As we speak, I’m sure some pimple-scarred teenage sociopath is cooking up a way to get your Android hooked on meth or make your iPhone become obsessed with bestiality.”

Cluley said while the widespread adoption of mobile technology means exploits aimed at mobile devices garner a lot of attention, mobile phones are far from the first technology to “go rogue.”

“This is all just part of the nature of technology,” Cluley said. “Every time we come up with a really useful new development that improves the lives of everybody, like the Clapper or razors with five blades and lubrication strips, some criminal asshole comes along and figures out a completely negative application for it, like turning entire wings of a hospital into a strobe light or shaving their balls without washing them first.”

 

Tags: adult humorBen Suroestecyber securityhookersmobile technologyporn and malwaresatiresmartphonesTexas Hold 'Em
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Ben Suroeste

Ben Suroeste

Ben Suroeste only reports "hard news" -- which is to say "news" that is "hard" to find anywhere else, mostly because he made it all up. He still doesn't have that fifty bucks he owes you, but he's working on it, OK?

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