VAIL, Ariz. – If you’re familiar with my previous comparative research into pornography, then you already know I’ve investigated claims stating porn is like cocaine, tobacco, a vampire, an arsonist, a sniper, a giant spider and a variety of other objects or forces, both worldly and supernatural.
While I’ve found most of these claims lack any significant supporting evidence, I’ve always been one to keep an open mind, particularly when it comes to potent, mind-altering substances, and especially when an investigation promises an opportunity to consume such in the name of science.
It’s in this spirit I turn to subjecting the latest porn claim to my rigorous fact-finding methods: Porn is like alcohol.
Naturally, the first and most difficult challenge in evaluating this assertion is figuring out how to transform porn into a liquid substance that may be imbibed. Despite having apprenticed beneath the finest moonshine brewer this side of the Ozarks in my 20s, I must admit distilling pornography is far more challenging than I at first assumed.
First, I had to determine the best location in which to construct my “pornshine” still. Since my neighbors have steadfastly refused to acknowledge my Constitutional right to concoct explosives in their guest house, I decided not to bother asking them about using the adjacent storage shed. Instead, I called upon my many connections in the world of higher education to secure keys to my old chemistry professor’s home while he’s vacationing in the Caribbean.
Unfortunately, my assumption the professor surely would have a fully-stocked chemistry lab somewhere on his property proved false, so I had to make do with his kitchen — which, although undeniably well-equipped, lacks a proper centrifuge.
Relying instead on a salad spinner I attached to the pedals of the professor’s exercise bike, along with an ample slosh of paint-thinner, I was able to generate enough speed and force to eventually strip the first few layers of ink off the box cover of The Bunghole Games: Cock-in-Jayden Part 2.
After carefully siphoning the multicolored liquid into a test tube, I then mixed the porn-solution with water, a couple of cans of corn and a couple big scoops of something that may or may not have been yeast. By that time I was having trouble focusing my eyesight, most likely due to overexerting myself on the exercise bike.
After realizing I had skipped a few steps in the moonshine-brewing process, I thought about starting over … but then I realized I wasn’t sure how long I’d been standing there zoning out in the professor’s kitchen, so figured I’d better just work with what I had, just in case his homecoming was now imminent.
After boiling and cooling my concoction, I gave it a quick sniff test to see if it smelled potable. A few minutes later, I picked myself up off the floor, shrugged at my assistant, who may in fact have been my former professor’s beloved Boston terrier, and took a good gulp from the beaker.
While it certainly delivered a buzz, I’m not sure I would describe my licentious liqueur as being particularly alcohol-like.
For starters, whereas I usually don’t experience memory loss from alcohol unless I drink quite a lot of it, a single shot of my homemade pornshine was more than enough to render it impossible to explain to the sheriffs who later arrived at my former professor’s home what I was doing there, how long I had been there, or why I kept insisting the terrier was my attorney of record.
The taste wasn’t much like any alcohol I’ve encountered, either. I had been shooting for the flavor of raspberry schnapps, but what I got was more along the lines of elderberry Scope, minus the bluish color and dental benefits.
On the other hand, the hangover from the pornshine was quite reminiscent of the post-tequila malaise with which I’m all too familiar, so maybe the porn/alcohol claim is not entirely without merit. Either way, the analogy also gives me an idea for a major money-making business concept: Porn-hangover pills.
While I haven’t settled on an exact formula or recipe for the pills, I have settled on the single most important aspect of the product: its name.
Imagine, if you will, waking up from a long night of hammering porn-shots and feeling like you can’t possibly accompany the cop looming over you into his cruiser without doing something for your splitting headache and severe dizziness. Well, don’t suffer needlessly my friends! Ask your doctor arresting officer about Pr0ntox, the first and only over-the-counter porn hangover cure available at maximum strength without a prescription!
Plus, if you wouldn’t mind, also please ask him if he happens to know where my attorney can be found. I last saw him taking a sizeable dump on what appeared to be a pretty expensive rug…
