By Dewey Truman
Special to YNOT
LAS VEGAS – While much of the country struggles with less-than-optimal choices in upcoming elections, voters in Nevada have been given an unprecedented chance to cast their for vote true change: If they have the requisite wisdom, sufficient temerity and adequate suspension of disbelief, Nevada voters can send a cartoon porn octopus to Washington to serve in the Senate.
I know what you’re thinking: Can I write in the cartoon porn octopus as the representative for my state? Sadly, the answer is no.
Senators can only be elected to represent the state in which they’re seeking office, so all you folks down there in nearby Arizona, for example, are probably going to be stuck with some old guy who Donald Trump says is a loser because he spent over 5 years as a prisoner of war, instead of just going to military school then getting a series of draft deferments as any smart, effective, tough, long-fingered leader would do.
How did the cartoon porn octopus get on the ballot in the first place, you ask? Well, I didn’t have time to read the whole article, but from what I gleaned by looking at the pictures and thinking really hard with my big, brilliant brain, I’ve deduced the octopus was originally persuaded to run by would-be spoiler candidate Sharron Angle, in hopes the filthy animated beast could split the Democratic vote with a character named “Joe Heck,” who I’m pretty sure hails from a cheap knockoff of the Max Payne videogame franchise.
Anyway, as I understand it, Angle somehow conspired with the (as yet unnamed) cartoon porn octopus to register the domain name JoeHeck.com, then published ads in local newspapers directing users to a website at that address, claiming it was the official campaign website for Mr. Heck.
Rather than finding information about Heck’s platform or qualifications, instead voters were treated to images of the cartoon octopus roughly penetrating young Japanese cartoon characters with his quite penis-like tentacles.
While it’s unclear to me how this maneuver could benefit the campaign of the octopus (typically, the release of sexually-explicit videos featuring political candidates inspires a rise in neither penises nor poll numbers), it’s easy to see how it benefits both Angle and Heck.
Angle can use the website to present herself as the more palatable choice for Nevada’s social conservatives, while confused voters who now believe Joe Heck to be a forcefully womanizing member of the Octopoda order may now see him as more virile and capable than they previously thought.
In other words, this works out to be a pretty raw deal for the porn octopus, because on the one hand he’s being excoriated for sexually inappropriate behavior, while on the other seven hands his political branding has been effectively highjacked by the single lamest character Mark Wahlberg has ever played (outside of playing himself on Entourage, obviously).
For these and many other reasons, I’m encouraging the people of Nevada to set aside their political affiliations, forget about voting party-line and cast an enthusiastic vote for cartoon porn octopus in 2016.
Some may question the qualifications of a fictional, sexually gluttonous sea monster, or take issue with his judgment stemming from all those times he has attacked Japanese elementary schools, military installations and women’s prisons. But when I look at that same record, I see the record of a fighter, someone who will stand up for what’s right – or who would stand up for what’s right, if his limbs were designed for that sort of thing.
In an age of petty partisan bickering, what Nevada needs in the Senate is someone who has proven they can “reach across the aisle” and work with politicians from other parties. Well, who’s going to be better at reaching across aisles and making contact with his opponents than an eight-armed aquatic diplomat who also knows when it’s time to get tough, put on the squeeze, inject a paralytic and feast on the brains of his adversaries?
Granted, there’s a lot I don’t know about the cartoon porn octopus’ platform, including his stance on Obamacare, whether he favors building a massive aquarium filter on the Rio Grande where it meets with our southern border, or whether he can be trusted to fairly represent all of the nation’s cephalopods, or just those which share his enthusiasm for aggressive, spontaneous, high-risk interspecies sexual encounters.
One thing I do know, however, is when it comes to protecting The Homeland and assuring the national security of this great country against foreign threats, cartoon porn octopus isn’t going to take any shit from Japanese schoolgirls.
Dewey Truman is a freelance investigative journalist who is so busy compiling and analyzing facts, he doesn’t have time to actually read any of the sources from which he gathers said facts.
