CHARLOTTE, N.C. – Maverick porn publicist Matt Culolik today strongly denied his client’s blocking of traffic from North Carolina is a crass publicity ploy, strenuously asserting the decision was “solely based on the sincerely held views on social justice and the value of personal human dignity the owners of XXXFuckGerbil have always maintained.”
Earlier this week, XXXFuckGerbil began refusing connections from all North Carolina IP addresses, displaying a simple black screen to any user who tried to access the site from the state. In an explanatory statement, Culolik blasted the state’s recently passed “bathroom bill” and said his client’s site won’t tolerate this sort of discrimination.
“We didn’t spend the last several years hosting gay porn videos with descriptions like ‘Smart gay seduces and fucks taxi driver’ or ‘Hung white prison thug breeds tight bear pussy’ just to allow a bunch of Carolina redneck legislators to discriminate and insult the good queers, lesbos and she-males of the BLT community,” Culolik said. “Just like the rest of the porn industry, XXXFuckGerbil supports civil rights for homos and greatly respects all eager young twinks, butch-diesel dykes and filthy tranny cum-buckets.”
Pressed on whether the decision to block traffic from North Carolina was just an attempt to latch onto a hot story and generate good press for XXXFuckGerbil, Culolik angrily denied any ulterior motives behind the traffic block.
“Look, just because I recently gave an interview in which I spoke at some length about how eye-catching, headline-grabbing publicity stunts are my forte as a publicist does not mean this is one of those eye-catching, headline-grabbing publicity stunts,” Culolik said. “I am honestly very plugged in to the MSNBCT community. In fact, on several occasions, I’ve spent whole weekends in San Francisco attending porn industry trade shows.”
Asked why XXXFuckGerbil has endorsed Donald Trump in the 2016 presidential race if its operators are so sincere about civil rights and fighting against discrimination, Culolik denied there was anything hypocritical about the site’s politics.
“We don’t support all of Trump’s policies,” Culolik said. “For example, anything that seems totally the opposite of something that should be supported by a website that just proclaimed its stalwart support for civil rights — like banning Muslims from the country or establishing a national database to track them or appointing judges who would overturn the Supreme Court’s ruling on same-sex marriage or the mass deportation of any Hispanic who looks like he maybe could be a rapist — you can pretty well assume XXXFuckGerbil is against those policies.”
Culolik cited several videos currently displayed on the site as proof of XXXFuckGerbil’s longstanding interest in political activism and support of equal rights for gay people.
“The video entitled ‘white bear breeds lean black cum dump,’ for example, is a touching story about an interracial love affair between two men, one of whom happens to be a slender semen receptacle,” Culolik said. “And to show we understand the power of revenue derived from tourism and how a drop in tourism can really impact a state like North Carolina, all you have to do is check out ‘hung South African top pounds hot young Thai,’ a moving docudrama that addresses both apartheid and human trafficking in sizzling, homoerotic fashion.”
Whatever the inspiration behind the traffic block, political science expert Dennis Lawrence said it will have a “profound impact” on North Carolina residents and could even lead to the controversial bathroom law being overturned.
“People underestimate what a pain in the ass it is to find free gay porn on the internet anywhere other than on XXXFuckGerbil,” Lawrence said. “I mean, you know, unless one has both eyes and fingers.”
“Mark,” a North Carolina resident who still insists he’s not gay even after sucking me off in a bathroom at Charlotte’s Veterans Park, said he’s not sure whether the traffic block will have as much impact as Lawrence believes.
“I can’t watch porn on the family PC anyway, because my wife installed a keystroke-logger a while back,” Mark said, standing up and wiping his mouth with his sleeve. “Honestly, I’m not sure I’m against the new law, anyway. I don’t want to find myself accidentally eating some former man’s pussy in here.”
