HOLLYWOOD – Upon discovering the company had accidentally named a new comic book hero after a porn-parody character, the production team that created the superheroine has announced a name change for the planned motion picture featuring “Ironheart,” a female counterpart to Marvel’s beloved Iron Man character.
“When we first decided upon the name Ironheart, we had no idea there was a Japanese superhero porn parody with a character of the same name,” said Vin Cent, Chief Idea Officer for Marvel. “Hopefully, the new name of our upcoming feature film centered on Ironheart will prevent any potential confusion and make absolutely clear our film is not pornographic, gratuitously sexual, or associated with the adult entertainment industry in any way, shape or form.”
According to Cent, the film was to be named simply Ironheart but will instead be called This Ain’t Ironheart Non-XXX.
Cent said any similarity between the new Marvel character and the Japanese porn parody are “entirely unintentional and coincidental.”
“Jon Quesadilla, the writer who coined the name, is not a Japanese porn fan,” Cent said. “We spoke about this issue at length when the name conflict was pointed out to us. Jon assured me he only watches 100-percent American hardcore gonzo porn, in part because Japanese porn is so heavily censored and in part because he’s just not into watching cartoon women have sex with giant — and possibly alien — squids.”
Attorney Franklin “Fuzzy” Nelson said while there would have been no legal problems with Marvel calling its film Ironheart, he still thinks it was a good idea for the massive comic publisher to “definitively disassociate” its film from the porn parody character.
“Frankly, the chances of a Japanese porn producer successfully suing Marvel over Ironheart are worse than the odds of a blind martial arts expert beating the living shit out of 20 guys armed with guns, knives and throwing stars,” Nelson said. “It’s really just the stuff of ludicrous adolescent fantasy. On the other hand, if enough viewers got the two films confused and accidentally downloaded the porn version of Ironheart from a torrent site instead of the mainstream movie they had intended to steal, it could really hurt the Marvel brand.”
CV Joint-Norelco, a porn director who has made dozens of superhero parodies, said his one problem with Marvel’s plan is the impact it has on his inevitable parody of Ironheart.
“What am I supposed to call my movie now, This Ain’t Ain’t Ironheart Non-XXX XXX?,” Joint-Norelco said. “That’s a terrible name for a porn parody. Unfortunately, the best alternative I’ve come up with so far is Ironfart, which only makes sense if I target the flatulence porn market, a genre in which I have no experience or personal interest.”
Not everyone in the porn industry has sympathy for Joint-Norelco’s dilemma, though. Jimmy Duskish, the director behind such porn parody classics as Two Drools for Sister Sara and His T-Girl Friday, said the director’s problem is “easily solved for anybody capable of real creativity and originality.”
“CV’s problem is he’s absolutely stuck on the mindless approach of sticking ‘This Ain’t’ or ‘Not’ before a mainstream movie title and leaving it at that,” Duskish said. “He has no appreciation for puns or clever wordplay, so dreaming up something like Strike While the Ironheart is Hot or a southern-themed title like The Ironheart of Dixie is just never going to occur to him.”
At this point, Marvel isn’t concerned with the porn industry’s parody dilemma, Cent said. If anything, he added, the industry’s problem is about to get a lot worse.
“If they think figuring out a title for their Ironheart parodies is bad, just wait until they hear about the next new character coming down the Marvel pipeline,” Cent said. “I don’t want to offer any spoilers, but suffice to say it’s a comic book adaptation of a particular brand of action hero who has already been portrayed on the silver screen by Vin Diesel and Ice Cube.”
