By Fido Manonopussi
Special to YNOT

LOS ANGELES – When I first got into making porn several years ago, I never thought of it as a major moneymaking proposition. I became a porn director not to get rich, not to get laid, but to express a very important and heartfelt sentiment I’ve held my entire life: Women are horrible, disgusting whores and ought to be treated as such.

More than an opportunity to earn a living, I saw the porn industry as a safe space in which to speak the truth about women, without being screamed at and kicked out of class like they did to me with regularity during my years at any of the various colleges from which I always eventually withdrew.

More recently, though, I’ve come to realize just how badly I’ve been getting screwed all these years when it comes to getting my due where porn money is concerned. Ironically, perhaps, I learned it from a woman — and not just any woman, but a self-proclaimed feminist pornographer.

Doesn’t that just beat all? Here I am, Fido Manonopussi, the most infamous woman-hater in a seemingly bottomless ocean full of woman-haters, and a chick gives me a tip that might just make me the richest woman-hater in the sea, too.

Strangely enough, it didn’t dawn on me how much more money my movies and websites must have made over the years until I read a recent interview with Erika Lust — an interview conducted by the ultra-liberal, feminazi publication known as the Huffington Post, no less!

In the middle of a long, boring article that otherwise isn’t worth reading because it was written by some dumb girl, Lust said something that really caught my eye.

“A big part of the porn industry is still making billions out of sexist, degrading and racist representations of ‘sex,’” Lust told HuffPo. “However, there are new creators that are showing another discourse in new platforms. They don’t seek money exclusively, but aim to create adult cinema that has the power to liberate.”

Folks, not to put too fine a point on it, but “sexist, degrading and racist representations of sex” aren’t just my specialty; they’re my all-consuming obsession. With all the time, effort and lubrication I put into presenting women (and women of color, in particular) as filthy, contemptible pieces of moistened trash, there’s just no way I have anything less than a 12-percent market share in those niches.

Let’s be conservative and assume when Lust says “billions” she means the smallest number of billions (plural) possible, or two billion. By my calculation, with a 12-percent share of $2 billion in annual revenue, I’ve earned more than $1.2 billion over the past five years alone. By the reckoning of my accounting department (aka “Jim,” aka my neighbor) however, my studio has generated less than $300,000 in gross revenue over the same period.

Clearly, somebody owes me a lot of money. While I can’t be 100-percent certain who the ‘somebody’ is without further investigation, offhand I’d say it’s either a tube site, the Free Speech Coalition, the IPSPs who process subscriptions to my websites or, far more likely, some bitch whose husband should be calling the shots in the porn industry, but because he’s been neutered by his shrew of a bride, he does whatever she says just to keep the peace around their house.

Whoever it is, she’d better pay up quick, or else I’ll… I’ll… I’ll viciously make fun of her on Twitter, that’s what!

Hm. Actually, I guess I should say I would mercilessly mock her on Twitter, if I hadn’t already been permanently banned from the platform. Instead, someone from my marketing department (which also is composed entirely of Jim) will have to do it on my behalf.

You’ve been forewarned, shadowy, most-likely-female criminal who has stolen my hard-exploited cash. Now you’d best govern yourself accordingly.

Fido Manonopussi is an extreme-porn director, men’s rights activist, politically conservative tech blogger and avid video gamer who clearly didn’t get hugged enough by his mother as a child. He probably has tiny, stubby fingers, too.