NEW YORK – An explosive rumor has sprung up on the internet concerning Vice President-elect of the United States, Donald Blythe Mike Pence. Is the rumor fact, just more fake news cooked up by some Russian teenage blogger, or perhaps something even more sinister?

First, let’s look at the rumor and the evidence supporting it. According to some guy’s social media post, Pence looks a bit like a former gay porn star who performed under the name “Brad Patton.” Add to the suspicious photograph the fact both men have last names that start with the letter P and by the usual standard of proof demanded by internet users, this case becomes a slam dunk.

Given Pence’s position on same-sex marriage, his opposition to openly gay people being allowed to serve in the military and his support for “religious freedom” laws designed to prevent bakers from being forced to take pictures at gay people’s weddings (or maybe they’re designed to prevent gay photographers from being able to bake cakes for Christian weddings — I can’t remember which), there can be only one explanation: Pence did his little Brad Patton shtick in a strictly “gay for pay” capacity.

Of course, it’s also possible the rumor isn’t true or that it was thoroughly debunked within hours of going viral, but those possibilities seem quite remote compared to the most troubling notion of all: The photo is evidence of a secret gay porn takeover of the White House already in progress.

First, consider this: Donald Trump is the first winner of a presidential election to literally wrap himself not just in the American flag, but the rainbow flag, as well. Second, I read something written by a gay republican saying there are “no signs that the LGBT community will be in the crosshairs of a Trump administration” and, in fact, “evidence is just the opposite.”

That’s right, folks: The Trump/Pence White House isn’t just going to be good for gay people, it’s going to be fabulous.

In fact, according to this Joseph R. Murray II guy, the only reason anybody in the LGBTQ community is worried about Trump in the first place is because the “LGBT Left … must keep the gay community in a perpetual state of culture war to raise indefinite amounts of cash.”

Offhand, this might sound like a bit of an oversimplification considering Trump also hired a guy like Mike “Christian, Conservative and Republican, in that Order” Pence to be his second in command. It makes perfect sense, though, if Pence and Trump are moles dropped into the White House as part of gay porn industry takeover of the place — and I’m not talking about the kind of mole you put up your ass as part of some depraved sexual thrill-seeking stunt.

Or maybe I am talking about the kind of mole you put up your ass as part of some depraved sexual thrill-seeking stunt, I’m not sure. Honestly, this whole transition from Barrack Obama being a Kenyan-born secret Muslim who founded ISIS and has ruined the country by being a total pussy about everything to being a “very good man” for whom Trump has “great respect” has left me dizzied and befuddled in way I haven’t experienced since taking seven hits of acid and trying to watch Barton Fink, 200 Motels and Eraserhead at the same time. In this state, I can scarcely confirm my own existence, much less fully internalize the possibility Pence used to suck cock on video for a living.

Still, I can’t stop thinking that it must be a rare moment indeed in which an openly gay man who previously worked for both the American Family Association and some of Pat Buchanan’s past political campaigns finds total clarity about anything, so I’m inclined to think he’s onto something here.

Of course, Murray also recently wrote an article about the gay and transgender movements needing to “get a divorce” over South Dakota’s bathroom laws, so maybe he’s just fond of taking excessive doses of LSD, too.

At any rate, since it sounds like Trump isn’t going to request a special prosecutor to look into Hillary Clinton’s emails after all, maybe he should instead appoint one to look into whether he and Pence are really just plants working on behalf of the gay porn industry, or Vladimir Putin’s personal sex slaves, or whatever it was I was theorizing about a few paragraphs ago.

Image: “Mike Pence – Anti-Gay Crusader,” ©2015, DonkeyHotey