TOPEKA – Since it wouldn’t be a day in 2017 without another state legislative body debating, voting on or issuing a non-binding resolution declaring porn to be a “public health crisis,” it’s nice of the Sunflower State to step up to make sure the national quota is met this week.

Yes, folks, feast your resolution-weary eyes on House Resolution 6016, a “resolution recognizing that pornography is a public health hazard that leads to a broad spectrum of individual and public health impacts and societal harms.”

You know, Kansas, some of us happen to believe excessive use of “that” in writing is detrimental to the health of the English language and readers thereof. But I digress.

As I’m sure you’ll be shocked to hear, like its brethren in Utah and elsewhere, the Kansas House believes “pornography is creating a public health crisis and perpetuates a sexually toxic environment.”

I’m not sure what the resolution’s authors picture when they say “sexually toxic environment,” but to me it conjures images of Toxie boning a sequoioideae.

(OK, so maybe I wouldn’t be picturing this if I were less high on peyote right now, but I’ll self-medicate to cure writer’s block as I see fit, thank you very much.)

Anyway, where was I? Oh, right. Kansas. No wonder I forgot.

Did you know in addition to being called the “Sunflower State,” it’s also known as the “Wheat State?” Is this the lamest nickname ever, or what?

Of course, Kansas apparently also is called “Midway U.S.A,” the “Jayhawk State,” the “Free State,” the “Midway State,” the “Cyclone State,” the “Grasshopper State” and about 375 other goddamn things. Maybe the real problem is these motherfuckers in Kansas can’t make up their minds about anything — except porn being, no doubt about it, a public health crisis, of course.

You know what would be awesome, though? If this Kansas came out and disagreed with the other one — especially if they did so in song form.

I can almost hear it now:

Masquerading as a House with a reason
Our charade is the Bill of the season
And if we claim to be chaste men,
It surely means we only browse in incognito moooooode….

Anyway, back to the bill, or the measure, or the proposal, or the Meaningless, Symbolic Legislative Brainfart, or whatever they call stupid shit like this in the “Battleground of Freedom.”

The Kansas House also would have you know it doesn’t approve of the notion “exposure to pornography often serves as a child’s and a teen’s sex education and shapes their sexual understanding.” Of course, this is probably because to the Kansas House, the only appropriate form of sex education is to receive none at all.

Here’s something else I recently learned about Kansas: There’s a ball of twine in Cawker City that “measures over 38 feet in circumference and weighs more than 16,750 pounds and is still growing.”

Seriously, Kansas? You soybean-producing freaks have a ball of twine the size of a small moon hanging around, and you’re worried about Pornhub? If anything should be considered a potential “public health crisis,” maybe it should be a clump of yarn capable of crushing Arrowhead Stadium, should it ever get to rolling fast enough.

Anyway, another thing whereas-ed in HR 6016 is the shocking revelation “recent research indicates that pornography is potentially biologically addictive.”

On the one hand, it’s good to know the Kansas House isn’t just pulling this stuff about porn being a public health crisis out of its collective ass — in part because if someone were to film them doing so, that would constitute porn, which of course would merely add to the ongoing crisis.

On the other hand, this is also a place where just 12 years ago, at the urging of the not-so-scientific Discovery Institute, the Board of Education held a series of hearings with the goal of introducing “intelligent design” as co-equal to the theory of evolution.

For Christ’s sake Kansas House, you guys take all the fun out of satire. It’s not supposed to be this easy.