ATLANTA – In an amazing piece of investigative reporting work that required writing at least one email and/or a phone call, several media outlets have “uncovered” well-known old Playboy videos featuring GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump.
Mercifully, Trump appears strictly in non-sex roles in the videos, interviewing prospective playmates and pouring champagne onto a Playboy-branded limousine, perhaps operating under the mistaken belief it was a bottle of carnauba wax.
“This amazing, earth-shattering revelation of Donald Trump’s participation in these videos, which was previously known only to Trump, his wife, his employees, the entire Playboy staff and all of the magazine’s subscribers, purchasers, casual readers and anyone who had a television in the years between 1994 and 2001, is a tribute the professionalism and hard work exhibited by our editors, reporters and staff,” gushed Fred Furber, co-owner and founder of the 24/7 cable news outlet CNBCBSTNTBS. “We are already making room in our trophy case for the Pulitzer that is certain to result from our dogged fact-gathering, bold truth-telling and possession of several telephone numbers for past and present employees of Playboy.”
The shocking news has entertainment experts scratching their heads, nationwide.
“You’d think a big-time adult entertainment brand like Playboy would have done a better job marketing these videos,” said Amy Greenwald, a media analyst with MSNPR. “I mean, why would they wait for the media to report in 2016 about their search for the first Playmate of the Year for the new millennium, rather than promote and distribute the video when it was timely? Is the model who won still hot, all these years later?”
Brian Steltzer, host of the panel cable news discussion show Dependable Informants and alleged former lead guitar player for The Stray Cats, said he’s “hesitant to even call these videos ‘porn’ in the first place.”
“There’s just about no difference between what used to be called ‘softcore porn’ and what we now think of as ‘family’ entertainment,” Steltzer said. “Who jerks off to mere pictures of naked chicks at this point? It’s 2016, people. Give me a dick in a mouth or a couple fingers up someone’s butt, at least.”
While the Trump campaign has yet to respond to reports about the Playboy videos, Chaz Briscoe, an unofficial spokesman for the Hillary Clinton campaign, said Trump’s appearances therein “once again exhibit behavior that is far from presidential.”
“What kind of rube appears in a porn video without getting laid?” Briscoe said. “From the perspective of a male performer, getting laid is pretty much the whole point, in part because the money you get paid as a man doing straight porn is absolute shit. Can you imagine if it were revealed that Bill Clinton once spent the entire afternoon with a bunch of Playboy bunnies and didn’t even get his knob polished? The facts surrounding these videos just raise new questions about his judgment and temperament.”
The news surrounding the unearthed videos hasn’t been all good for the media, either. According to wire reports from the Associated Universal French-Press (UNICEF), several members of the national media have tragically thrown their shoulders out of joint while attempting to pat themselves on the back.
“Our political affairs editor Coyote Blintzen is in stable condition following an incident in which he tried to take a selfie while blowing himself in celebration over the discovery of these previously unknown, yet publicly available, videos,” a somber Brooke Burnett reported about her CNBCBSTNTBS colleague while filing in as host of The Circumstances Chamber with Coyote Blintzen. “We ask that you keep Coyote’s rotator cuff in your thoughts and prayers as he recovers from this terrible accident.”
Base image of Donald Trump ©2016, Michael Vadon. Licensed under Creative Commons.
