MOSS BLUFF, La. – Concerned parents in southwestern Louisiana are being reassured this week a new anti-porn program soon to be initiated at area schools is “totally not a religious thing,” according to local officials familiar with the educational effort.

Questions about the new anti-porn campaign arose after residents in Calcasieu Parish received automated phone calls informing them local schools would soon be addressing the touchy subject of “porn addiction” in a series of assemblies, pep rallies and classroom activities.

Some who received the calls reportedly feel there was enough of a religious component they considered the messages to be “proselytizing” — a claim Lake Charles School District spokesperson Stella Kowalski called “a ridiculous charge, one obviously leveled by some Godless, atheist progressive bent on corrupting our children by offering them ongoing and unfettered access to vile, demonic smut.”

“Even though we strongly disagree with its mandated existence, our school district thoroughly respects the so-called ‘separation of church and state’ as a matter of law,” Kowalski said. “The idea our program is motivated by religious convictions is patently absurd. This entire program is based on scripture … uh, on sensible proscriptions of a highly scientific nature — like the sound, well-reasoned psychiatric and scientific principles so clearly expressed in Proverbs 11:22.”

While most parents in the area appear to be on board with the thought of schools tackling the porn addiction subject head-on, Mitch DeGruy, a blackjack dealer employed by one of the many floating casinos that operate along the Gulf Coast, said he’s worried teachers merely discussing pornography with his son might “give him ideas” of the sort his father would prefer not to encourage.

“Everybody know they be only one sex positional we all ‘sposed to use, but if you start showin’ a red-blooded American boy one of them nasty ‘Karma Suture’ books, he bound to wanna try all kinda sinful things they put in thar,” DeGruy said. “Before you know it, he maybe even gonna try it stanin’ up, or worse, doin’ some poor gal from behin’ like she some kinda damn pony. It just ain’t right. If’n thar was a law, doin’ it pony style would shorely be agin it, I tell you whut.”

Others living in the area have expressed confusion over the information provided in the automated calls, in which school officials from area high schools can be heard citing various controversial claims about pornography, including the familiar refrain “porn is the new crack cocaine.”

“I shore hope all that stuff ’bout porn being the new crack be true,” said Jessie Broussard, a resident of Moss Bluff identified by local law enforcement officials as the “most notable crackhead” in the area.

“If they one thang I knows, crack ain’t cheap like it were back inna day, but the porn be all over the damn internet fo’ free,” noted Broussard. “Plus, even if maybe you do get some har on yo knuckles or somethin’, porn ain’t gonna burn your lips from way over yonder on the damn TV, that fo shore.”

Ben Lowenthal, who identified himself as a “tenured professorial of the legalities” from nearby Lac du Charles Community College, said while he understands the concerns felt by some parents in the area, he’s confident the new anti-porn program will be carried out “the Good Boo— uh, wait … make that just ‘the book.’

“This has nothing to do with Christianity or any other religion,” Lowenthal said. “This is a matter of the Lor— uh, I mean the local superintendent of schools recognizing we have a problem in this state with sin … uh, I mean with single men and women who are straying away from Go— I mean away from the good of community and into the moral chaos … uh, rather the ethical chaos that is pornography.”

Nita Boggs, whose 23-year-old son Boudreau is currently in his fifth sophomore year at nearby David Duke High, said she applauds the school district’s anti-porn efforts, regardless the motivation behind the new program.

“These days, it’s like you have to apologize for your Christian faith every time you correctly point out how much God detests homosexuals,” Boggs said. “Hopefully, this class can get kids straightened out about the scientifically-proven existence of the militant homosexual agenda taking root in this country and teach them not to defile themselves with masturbation. We all know masturbation is an even bigger ‘gateway drug’ than the demon weed marijuana and a more effective Satanic recruitment tool than watching every one of those evil Harry Potter movies in a single sitting.”