WASHINGTON – With election season approaching, the entire country is getting ready to vote – not only to indicate which pathologically lying egomaniac we prefer to have occupying the White House for the next four years, but on all sorts of important ballot measures and initiatives at the state and local level, as well.
Personally, I think all this “separation of powers” stuff is a real waste of time, a source of dragging inefficiency which only prevents us from solving problems quickly, effectively and with minimal second-guessing on the part of social irritants like tree-hugging environmentalists, whiny civil rights activists and the bloated judicial system.
For example, if it weren’t for the courts constantly insisting they have some “right” to be here, pursuant to a putrid bit of text known as the 14th Amendment, the rest of us could very easily round up and forcibly deport every person of Welsh descent living in this country.
You might think this idea of mass deporting Welsh-Americans to be a tad harsh, but just wait until their national football team beats Portugal later this week, and you have to put up with some dickhead of neighbor who hasn’t given a single thought to the European branch of his family tree in 27 years suddenly bragging and boasting about how “his team” made it to the finals of Euro 2016, while the Three Lions of England got knocked out by a bunch of random, bearded, albino cod fishermen who somehow managed to round up enough blue shirts to look like they were all wearing the same kit.
Anyway, if you look around the country, there’s a theme to this year’s election season, and it’s a damn good theme: Pot, guns, money and porn. Not only are these important issues facing our country, they also sound like the recipe for a truly outstanding after-hours party.
The problem is, if we keep letting each state decide for itself how to handle regulation of things like guns, weed and porn, we’re just never going to get anywhere toward our laudable national goal of every American citizen having plenty of each of these three life necessities – which is where my new Suroeste Omnibus Bill (“SOB”) comes into play.
Under the SOB, a major boost in funding is made to the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, primarily to assist in enhancing the ATF’s ability to distribute its goods across the country in an equitable fashion.
For too long, only the cultural elite have been able to easily afford an adequate supply of booze, cigarettes and guns, while members of the working class have had to work three jobs just to make the payments on their AR-15s without giving up smoking.
The SOB will change this, finally levelling the playing field – which is very important, because it’s extremely hard to shoot straight when you’re stoned in the first place, let alone if you happen to be standing in a field which slopes to one side.
Since at the federal level marijuana still falls under the auspices of the Drug Enforcement Agency, the SOB includes money for the DEA, as well. While a substantial percentage of these funds will be allocated toward ramping up the agency’s marijuana-growing capabilities, there will also be a set-aside fund to aid agents in shaving off those ridiculous Tom Selleck-style mustaches they’ve all been wearing since 1981.
Naturally, if we’re going to make sure everybody has enough porn, guns and weed, there will need to be some kind of central tracking database to assure everybody gets their fair share, and to prevent fraud and abuse of the system. Of course, there will be some citizens who will insist they don’t want any firearms, dope or hooch, but we’ll still need to account for them in the database, if only so the rest of us will know where all the squares live.
I’m sure the SOB will have its critics, like lawyers, politicians, academics, medical professionals, public policy wonks, liberals, conservatives and Southern Baptists – but even they won’t be able to deny how the SOB cuts through all the red tape to get things done.
Hey, anybody can sit around and talk about how it should be easier for Americans to get high, shoot guns and masturbate, or write their Congressperson to demand action on the nation’s desperate shortage of legal “sticky-icky,” but with the SOB I’m going the extra mile: I’ve given legislators a ready-made tool they can put into use without having to write even one line of new legislation on their own – which is important, because if there’s one thing we know about Congressmen, it’s they don’t particularly like doing things.
Of course, the SOB is also mindful of public safety and national security, so there are strong provisions to guarantee ganja, gats and granny porn don’t wind up in the wrong hands, like those of children, the NFL’s Tom Brady, or one of those radical Muslims from Mexico Donald Trump is always warning us about.
Yes rest assured, under the SOB, we’re not just going to go around handing out thumb drives full of porn, loaded handguns and quarter-pound bags of pot to everybody who walks in the door. Obviously, we also need to be prepared to deliver them to people who are indigent, or unable to travel for health reasons.
