NEW YORK – Executive Products Inc. (EPI) this week announced the arrival of PeNice (#Penice), the world’s first completely natural, entirely organic, hopefully hypoallergenic towellete specifically designed to make a man’s penis smell like something other than a horrifyingly pungent version of the last orifice into which it was inserted.
Having discerned a severe lack of reliable penile deodorants on the current market, EPI Chief Executive Officer Jay Cockenhough tapped into the talents of controversial German chemist Wernher Wagner to develop the PeNice formula. Each individually packaged towelette “thoroughly cleans, disinfects and de-stankifies” all types of penises, while nourishing sensitive skin using a complex compound called acetylfraunsch, which Wagner originally developed for use as a nerve agent.
“By the time you’re done wiping off your Johnson with one of our patented PeNice squares, your cock will smell fresh as a daisy and feel like it has been pampered for weeks in some kind of genital spa,” Cockenhough said. “Let’s face it: When a man’s dick smells bad, or suspicious, or like it has recently been inside his wife’s best friend, he’s not as confident as he should be. Not only can this ruin a man’s whole day, but it can lead to expensive divorce proceedings, or even the dreaded ‘Bobbitt Snip.’”
Wagner admits he was skeptical acetylfraunsch had a place in the realm of genital hygiene.
“When I first make acetylfraunsch, we have visions of weaponizing it in aerosol form, possibly for to be spray from high altitude drone plane, so it rain down on enemy combatant and make them unable to feel extremities, resulting in most debilitating panic,” the aging chemist said. “But, as turns out, rubbing a mixture of acetylfraunsch and Aloe Vera onto your schwanz not only makes the schwanz smell not so bad, but also delivering a pleasant tingle, followed by numbness which prevents incriminating erection while watching sexy HBO and Cinemarxist programs mit deiner frau.”
In addition to acetylfraunsch and Aloe Vera, the patented PeNice formula also includes Colloquial Oatmeal (pungency inhibitor), Allahtonin (anti-castration protein), Vitamin Q (nutro-hippies love this shit), Kool Menthol (full flavor) and Grapeseed Oil (fuck it, why not?).
Cockenhough said as a sexually-active male, he’s “well aware of the many profound problems caused by dick-stank.”
“I’ve always been faithful to my wife,” Cockenhough said, “but it’s good to know if I happen to someday take a dip in a putrid pond full of dead carp, one treatment with a trusty PeNice wipe and any suspicion that I’ve visited my porn star ex-girlfriend will be preempted by the cleansing magic of these pleasant-smelling little squares.”
PeNice will be sold in packs of 10, coming in an elegant cigar box with a drawing of an enormous rooster emblazoned on its lid. As a bonus for volume purchasers, each 20-box case of PeNice wipes will come with a suitable-for-framing disclaimer of liability indemnifying EPI, Cockenhough and Wagner from any future claims that may arise from epididymitis, penile blistering, shaft erosion or Drummond’s Deadcock Syndrome (DDS).
About PeNice
Founded in November 2015 by Jay Cockenhough, PeNice is the finest dick-cleanser to hit the market since the FDA forced Fyzurh Penaceuticals to destroy its entire stockpile of PurePud in late 2013.
