PHOENIX – After hearing what one of the resolution’s co-sponsors described as “very compelling testimony and highly convincing statistical evidence,” the Arizona Legislature on Tuesday issued a concurrent resolution declaring shoes a public health hazard and “significant security risk” to residents of the Grand Canyon State.
The resolution states, in part: “Whereas virtually every crime committed in Arizona involves a perpetrator who wears, or at least owns, a pair of shoes; and whereas shoes can be purchased without a license; and whereas shoes are often the object of irrational obsession on the part of female residents of the great state of Arizona… The Members of the Legislature hereby declare something must be done to protect the citizens of this great state from the perils of unfettered access to footwear, like maybe eventually passing a law against wearing them, or something.”
Whatever the eventual solution to Arizona’s shoe crisis might be, the resolution further holds it certainly will “require much more study, several million dollars in taxpayer-provided funding and at least one fact-finding mission to somewhere tropical, equipped with suitably luxurious accommodations.”
While the resolution primarily addresses the risks associated with tennis shoes, sandals, work boots and running shoes, HCR 2369 author and co-sponsor Stephan Monteblanco said the legislature “wants Arizonans and people all across America to understand the grave dangers presented by all manner of footwear.”
“If you look at the data, the numbers are simply staggering,” Monteblanco said. “For example, did you know 99.93 percent of all bank robberies are committed by people wearing shoes at the time of their crime? With a figure that high, there’s simply no chance this is some kind of coincidence.”
It’s not just bank robberies and other high-profile crimes that exhibit a strong association with shoe-wearing, according to Preston Nyles, an expert in podiatric criminology who served as the legislature’s primary consultant in crafting the resolution.
“While the Utah Legislature is focused on porn as a risk factor, they continue to ignore the almost one-to-one correspondence between criminality and shoe ownership,” Nyles said. “To put it in terms even a child can understand, not every shoe-owner is a criminal, but every criminal is a shoe-owner.”
Nyles said the reason no legislative body, scientific study or academic research has previously made the connection between shoes and crime is “they’ve all been distracted by ‘sexier’ stories” that have allowed the detriments of shoe ownership to go almost entirely unnoticed.
“Pornography and guns get all the headlines and discussion on the talk shows, but if you cast your eyes downward from the face of any assassin, spree shooter or rage killer, you won’t see an assault rifle or copy of a Max Hardcore DVD covering their feet,” Nyles said. “What you’ll see is shoes, almost every time, whether they’re close-toed, possess some manner of pumping mechanism, or have Velcro straps instead of laces.”
Monteblanco admits he was skeptical of Nyles’ assertions regarding footwear until he began asking questions of law enforcement personnel at the federal, state and local levels.
“I started asking officers and investigators a lot of questions about shoes, and sure enough, they were finding those things not only on the person of individual criminals, but in their closets, foyers, garages and occasionally strewn around in their front yards,” Monteblanco said. “Even the perpetrators who are so poor they literally don’t have a pot in which to piss appear to have shoes — presumably to enable them to urinate directly on the floor without having to tread through a puddle of their own piss.”
While the resolution is not legally binding, nor does it contain any specific proscriptions calling for a ban on shoes, some Arizona shoemakers worry such legislation is right around the corner.
“My father opened this store in 1962 and selling shoes is all I know,” said Moe Ichifut Jr., owner of Shoes and Moe, a store in Chandler. “I honestly don’t believe my shoes are corrupting people, despite what the experts say. If anything, I think shoes help a lot of people. This is the desert, so if you walk around with no shoes on, you’re bound to get cactus in your feet eventually or step on a scorpion or stub your toe on some petrified wood.”
Nyles said he’s not insensitive to the concerns of ordinary everyday shoe wearers, noting he often wears shoes himself, especially when he goes to the movies because “the idea of my foot touching directly whatever makes those floors so sticky makes me want to puke.”
Still, Nyles said, just because something is convenient, traditional, normal or even generally thought of as entirely necessary, this doesn’t mean it can’t also be incredibly dangerous and threatening to society at large.
“I’m sure things were a lot more convenient for cigarette smokers back before that activity was banned in a lot of public spaces, for example,” Nyles said. “And if you think the risks of secondary smoke are bad, consider this: Virtually every person who owns shoes and has children winds up buying shoes for those children, as well.”
“Maybe as a society we don’t care what happens to older shoe owners,” Nyles added, “but even setting aside the crime data, do we really want to expose our kids to any product with such a strong correlation to inarguably horrible things like toe cramps, brohmidrosis and ShoeDazzle.com commercials?”
While Ichifut conceded shoes “don’t walk away from scrutiny smelling like a rose,” he absolutely stands by their necessity in modern life — particularly within his home state.
“Have these ‘experts’ ever tried walking around in Phoenix during the summer with no shoes on?” Ichifut asked. “Let me put it to you this way: After five minutes, your feet would be so badly singed and stinky, everybody would think you were carrying around six slices of bacon in your shirt pocket.”
Unsurprisingly, Gail Dense, an academic, feminist, anti-porn activist, author, filmmaker and expert on which kinds of sex are (and aren’t) healthy, normal and socially acceptable, said she’s “outraged” Arizona declared shoes a crisis while ignoring the dangers of porn.
“This Arizona shoe resolution is completely absurd, obviously,” Dense said. “The only way shoes are going to cause people to commit crimes is if they’re wearing shoes made of porn — in which case we know, through meticulous, peer-reviewed scientific research, they are 17,000 percent more likely to commit sexual assault than if they wear shoes made from the pages of a Bible.”
