GLAMIS, Calif. – As I often do when brainstorming ideas to revolutionize the adult entertainment industry, I’ve sought a quiet place far from the hustle and bustle of Porn Valley to engage in some deep contemplation, consumption of idea-inspiring chemicals and comprehensively clicking through the last 15 pages of Google news alerts returned for the key term “new porn ideas.”
Along the way, I’ve encountered what I believe to be the next big trend in adult entertainment: inspiration porn.
Now, to be clear, the person who wrote the article I linked to above isn’t talking about literal pornography. She’s complaining about internet users who find disabled people “inspiring” because they can do things like brush their teeth without dying.
That’s not the kind of inspiration porn I want to see, obviously. Among other things, I can’t masturbate to someone brushing her teeth — unless she’s Tori Black in the bathroom at my house, wearing nothing but white-and-red polka dot panties.
No, the kind of inspiration porn I’m talking about would be porn that has an inspiring theme, and an equally inspiring title like The Little Train Engine that Could (Blow 12 Men), or perhaps The Shawshank Penetration.
More than the movies themselves, what I’m really looking forward to are the inspirational porn posters — you know, just like the ones with the cute little cat, except instead of a cat, the text “Hang in There” is presented above a flaccid penis of impressive length, dangling hopefully toward the floor in an effort to lift the spirits of the person viewing the poster. And what inspirational porn poster collection would be complete without an “Achievement” poster depicting Houston in the middle of her record-setting gangbang?
Since the market for these works doubtlessly will blow up quickly, it’s important the industry start strategizing now for the follow-up step: the marketing device that will take inspiration porn to the next level. I’m speaking, of course, of inspiration-porn wristbands.
Since Lance Armstrong has permanently sullied the bright yellow wristband with his PED-eception, the inspirational watersports wristband will need to be something less canary in tone — like a muted pineapple, or maybe the ever-popular “Tuscan Sun.”
Since there’s likely more porn niches than colors, we’ll need to introduce multi-color bands, especially for the genres in which they’d make the most sense, like interracial inspiration porn, bisexual inspiration porn or diagnosed schizophrenic inspiration porn.
Of course, if we want inspiration porn to be “legit,” we’ll have to do more than take the same porn we’re making anyway and simply proclaim it inspirational. We need to make sure the story lines hold up to the overarching message, “You, the viewer, can make the world a better place if you have the will, the desire and the requisite broadband connection.”
Instead of having characters who fuck for no apparent reason, inspiration porn will need to be an environment in which characters earn the right to get laid — and they need to do a lot more to earn it than just deliver a pizza or show up to fix the kitchen sink.
Picture, for example, the story of Carlos, a Los Angeles-area swimming pool maintenance man who is desperate to get into the pants of Ashley, one of his clients in a ritzy hillside neighborhood. Determined to bed Ashley, Carlos goes through a series of steps to improve himself, like working out at the gym, volunteering for local charities and paying to get himself listed in one of those “Who’s Who” directories.
Only after proving himself worthy of Ashley’s affections does Carlos even try to approach her — an effort that is summarily shot down, of course, because how inspirational would it be if Carlos were to succeed on his first attempt?
Instead of succeeding, Carlos must watch helplessly while Ashley fucks her husband or boyfriend or boss — or all of them. The point is, she’s not fucking Carlos yet, who needs to show substantially more stick-to-it-iveness before she will even consider taking him on as a lover.
In order to keep the interest of the viewer, we’ll have to present much of Carlos’ transformation in a montage, wherein we’ll cut from him lifting weights to helping an old lady across the street, then cut to him teaching a child how to do math, or maybe building low-income housing alongside a Jimmy Carter lookalike.
By the time Ashley puts Carlos’ penis in her mouth, the audience is going to be looking at him like a cross between Forrest Gump and Rocky: Sure, he’s kinda retarded, but the way he takes a punch will just melt your heart.
The best part of inspiration porn is if the adult industry plays its cards right, it will never have to come up with an original idea as part of this campaign, which is a crucial aspect of why I’m so sure inspiration porn will be a major success. Everything the industry needs can be lifted from mainstream entertainment, social media, TED Talks and those insipid little “human interest” stories ESPN runs about young sports fans who are dying of cancer but get a visit from a very inspirational NFL player right before they die a miserable, painful death, so it’s all good.
At a time when the country is divided like never before (due to the existence of either President Barrack Obama or President-Elect Donald Trump, depending on who’s making the claim), I firmly believe inspiration porn can help to bridge the gap between Democrat and Republican, young and old, Tom Brady and Roger Goodell.
In other words… You Can Do It, porn industry!
Image: Sisyphus, Ixion and Tantalus. Etching by C. Grignion, 1790.
