NEW YORK – In response to a recent video in which various porn stars revealed which historical figures they’d like to fuck, several significant authors, politicians and scientists released statements today through respected necromancer Edward Johns, giving their perspective on the notion of having sex with 21st Century porn stars.
George Washington, the first President of the United States, was cited by more than one performer as a prospective historical hookup, but the Founding Father indicated he wasn’t particularly thrilled by the idea.
“Look, if I’m going to crawl out of my grave and into the pants of some comely young lass, I’d prefer it to be someone a bit more chaste,” Washington said. “I am a politician, after all, so I need to mind my public image — which I don’t think would benefit much from cheating on Martha with someone who just walked off the set of Skindependence Day: Re-Spermance.”
Still, Washington did concede there might be certain advantages to having sex with a modern porn star as compared to the women of his era.
“The one good thing about it is it’s my understanding all these porn chicks shave their bikini areas,” Washington said, “which means I wouldn’t end up with pubic hairs sticking out from between my wooden teeth all the time. I must admit that would be a nice change of pace.”
Alexander the Great had an important question to address before deciding whether he was interested in fulfilling the fantasies of modern porn performers.
“Do any of these porno women have large amounts of gold or other resources I can plunder and seize?” Alexander asked. “No? Not interested, then.”
Another of the dead celebrities cited by multiple respondents was Nobel Prize-winning theoretical physicist and former patent office employee Albert Einstein. Perhaps in part due to his legendarily high intelligence, Einstein was among the historical figures who was most receptive to the idea of getting a little post mortem action from a porn star.
“Would I do Kenzie Taylor? Sure,” Einstein said. “I’d be happy to split her atoms, any time.”
One of the more intriguing responses to come from the original video was British explorer Richard Francis Burton, famous for his travels to Asia, Africa and the Americas, as well as his translations of major written works produced by far-flung cultures.
Like Washington, Burton wasn’t at all thrilled by the idea of having sex with modern porn stars — and for a former diplomat, he was surprisingly blunt in his response.
“No way,” Burton said. “I might have been a great adventurer in my time, but I wouldn’t fuck a 21st Century porn star with Amerigo Vespucci’s dick.”
At the other end of the spectrum was author Ernest Hemingway, who embraced the possibility of having sex with a porn star with all the gusto and bravado one would expect from the famously macho and virile novelist.
“There is no fucking like the fucking of whores,” Hemingway said. “Weak men speak of love, but love is an old bitch with no teeth — which sounds pretty good until you realize she’s never sucking your cock again once you’ve gotten married.”
Hemingway added that had he known future porn stars would be interested in having sex with him, the latter part of his life might have played out differently.
“Hell, if I thought I’d have half a shot with one of these girls someday, I probably wouldn’t have blown my brains into my breakfast back in ’61,” Hemingway said. “Granted, I was living in Idaho at the time, so suicide was going to be on my mind no matter what, but hope of future fellatio will drag a man through some pretty dark days.”
Much like his otherworldly peer Alexander, father of psychoanalysis Sigmund Freud had a practical question he wanted to address prior to offering a definitive yes or no to the porn star proposition.
“Are any of these porn stars my great-great-granddaughter, by any chance?” the family-oriented Austrian asked. “Either way, please remind the girls sometimes a cigar is just a cigar — unless you’re one of Bill Clinton’s interns, of course.”
One of the more unusual responses from the porn stars concerning the men and women of history for whom they harbor lust was author Robert Anton Wilson, the man behind classic works like The Illuminatus! Trilogy, the Schrödinger’s Cat trilogy, Masks of the Illuminati and How to Make an Illuminati Mask for Your Schrödinger’s Cat: The Director’s Cut.
“What’s a ‘porn star,” anyway?” Wilson asked. “How can I know what a porn star is when there should be no such thing as ‘is’?”
Not surprisingly, the verbose author’s feedback continued well beyond these incisive rhetorical questions.
“Wasn’t I absolutely brilliant, by the way? You have to be brilliant to be this obtuse and vague about everything,” Wilson added. “By the way, do the porn stars who say they want to fuck Albert Einstein know he was one of the characters in my book, Masks of the Illuminati? That amazing literary fact is just another part of my manifest brilliance, obviously.”
Last but not least (or maybe that should be “omega but not eláchista”) there was a response from Jesus Christ, AKA “Yeshua,” AKA “Jesus of Nazareth,” AKA “J-Dogg.” Surprisingly, the central figure in the Christian faith seemed somewhat conflicted as to how he should respond.
“On the one hand, I’d probably lose a lot of followers if I fucked a porn star, especially within the ‘Bible Belt’ region of the United States,” Jesus said. “On the other hand, I’m supposed to love everybody and I’m obviously immune to disease and death, so I could hit it raw with no worries about my health. Either way, it would sure beat the hell out of crucifixion, right?”
