ATLANTA – Some attention-starved person who desperately wanted to be on television is breathing easier today, because apparently her new professional-athlete boyfriend isn’t seeing a porn star on the side. A reporter’s smartphone accidentally revealed the news Thursday morning. Or something like that.
Attempting to enlarge the on-screen size of a review he was reading about the reportedly inane new Adam Sandler vehicle Pixels, the reporter accidentally tapped a link displayed in the “celebrity news” sidebar. Thus began a series of events that resulted in the half-reading of an article about some chick who is famous for living in Atlanta while married to some guy who used to play for the Pittsburgh Steelers. Or maybe it was the Cleveland Browns.
“I’m not sure if this is one of the hairstylists or just another married woman from Georgia’s largest city who spends a lot of time screaming semi-coherently at her so-called ‘friends,’” said the reporter, who declined to be identified out of sheer embarrassment. “Either way, it’s not particularly interesting. I guess people must be watching, though, because whatever network it’s on keeps renewing whatever the show is called.”
The reporter said he also can’t remember if the football player in question has denied texting the reality star, denied dating the porn star, or denied failing to text the reality star after a date, although he’s pretty certain the man is familiar with both women.
“The article said something about one of the two chicks posting a lot of pictures of herself with the football player dude to prove all is well in the relationship,” the reporter said. “I’m not sure what this proves, though. If I remember correctly, the ex-football player who got caught cheating on his reality-TV-star wife with a transgender model was pretty photogenic, too.”
If the reporter is sure of anything, it’s the total non-involvement of the Atlanta-based woman’s ex-husband — who the reporter is certain is a former quarterback for the Steelers.
Thus began a series of events that resulted in the half-reading of an article about some chick who is famous for living in Atlanta while married to some guy who used to play for the Pittsburgh Steelers.
“I can’t tell you if it was Bubby Brister, Charlie Batch, Neil O’ Donnell, or what, but I’m sure it wasn’t Terry Bradshaw,” the reporter said. “Because he is one seriously bald, seriously old dude. Even an obnoxious, talent-less reality TV star from Atlanta isn’t going to be that desperate.”
The reporter also said if his memory serves, the football player responded to the accusation, whatever it was, by saying he has “no thirst” and is, in fact, “very hydrated.”
“I think the dude might be confused about what he’s accused of,” the reporter said. “I don’t think anyone is suggesting he has a cramping problem, so I’m not sure what relevance his level of hydration has in this context. Maybe he’s just trying to emphasize his off-season professionalism and game-readiness?”
As for the porn star, the reporter said he remembers thinking she “did look pretty cute in those glasses,” but doesn’t remember much more than this fleeting visual impression.
“I think her name is ‘Wiz Khalifa,’ unless that’s the name of some rapper my girlfriend likes, in which case the porn star’s name might have been Lexi,” the reporter said. “Or maybe Jenna, or possibly Belle.”
In any event, the reporter indicated he has “no plans to stay on top of the story.”
“Ultimately, it really doesn’t matter if this guy did bang the porn star, merely wanted to bang her, or simply texted her an invitation to a pool party because he was worried otherwise the shindig would have too many Speedos and not enough thongs, if you catch my drift,” the reporter said. “Either way, he’s stuck being a Buffalo Bill, which these days is almost as bad as being a Jacksonville Jaguar — porn star mistress or not.”
