By Dewey Truman
Special to YNOT
WASHINGTON – For many years, some pundits have referred to the ongoing back-and-forth between pro- and anti-porn forces as a “Decency War.” To date, the battle has been largely metaphorical except for the occasional torched smut shop or digital billboard hack.
According to various well-placed sources, however, the Decency War is about to become literal in a quite unlikely place: fast food restaurants.
Among the startling revelations concerning the plan to eradicate porn in a restaurant-based campaign is the notion President-elect Donald Trump might sneak up on porn inside a Burger King, McDonald’s or similar establishment and “kill it with a thousand cuts.”
Offhand, the idea that our nation’s Commander in Chief would involve himself personally in “wet works” like the covert assassination of pornography by knife blade might seem far-fetched, but some experts caution the possibility is very real.
“When evaluating the risk to its continued existence represented by Trump’s victory on Nov. 8, pornography needs to carefully consider how successful Mr. Trump has been thus far with his surreptitious pussy-grabbing and kiss-stealing,” said Willie Chrystal, the self-appointed leader of the nascent #NeverCensor movement. “And evidently, judging by recent headlines, porn needs to be extra cautious when it happens to be displayed inside a fast-food restaurant.”
While Chrystal clearly is alarmed by the possibility, warriors on the other side of the battle for American hearts, souls and palms are eager to see their new leader in action.
“After years of inexcusable inaction from the White House, I’m looking forward to seeing what a motivated winner like Mr. Trump can do in the war against porn,” said Rev. Shaw Moore of Elmore City, Oklahoma. “I’m especially looking forward to watching him slide down a rope ladder from a transport helicopter with a knife between his teeth just before slaying the Porn Demon in a Taco Bell parking lot.”
While Trump has yet to confirm his plan to personally conduct lethal assaults on pornography, sources close to the White House say the ambush on porn is “definitely being discussed by his transition team.”
“From what I hear, it’s not a question of if Trump is going to assassinate porn, it’s a question of when, where and whether to order some fries once the death of pornography has been confirmed,” said Josh Lyman, a senior adviser to outgoing president Martin Sheen. “While I’m not against the idea of targeting porn with lethal force, I do wish he’d consider a more traditional military approach — something involving less risk of collateral damage to American cheeseburger-eaters, ideally.”
Some veterans of the Decency War are skeptical about the reports saying they sound more like something seen in a Hollywood movie than a legitimate plan of action.
“First of all, it’s going to be very hard to find face-black capable of completely concealing Mr. Trump’s day-glow orange visage such that he won’t be spotted by pornography’s lookouts when slowly emerging headfirst from a nearby lagoon,” said a right-wing radio show host claiming to have all kinds of crazy firsthand knowledge about SEAL Team 6, but who requested anonymity so nobody could call him on his outrageous bullshit. “Second, clandestine operatives over the age of 70 are very rarely deployed in Black Ops situations. The last I can think of was back in 1983, when Ronald Reagan was parachuted into Grenada as part of Operation Photo-Opportunity.”
Rev. Moore said he has “complete faith in the sincerity of the Trump administration’s promise to bring porn to justice, dead or… Well, even more dead, I guess.”
“Porn may be a Goliath, but Donald Trump carries with him at all times the anti-porn sling of David,” Moore said. “I hereby call upon all good Christian taco eaters and burger lovers to support our blessed president’s efforts to slay the Porn Demon. And should you see Mr. Trump approaching porn from behind inside a Dairy Queen, warn not the demon, but simply relax, smile, enjoy your Peanut Buster Parfait … and maybe turn your back to the action somewhat, so you won’t get demon blood in your premium ice cream treat.”
Dewey Truman is a freelance investigative journalist who is so busy compiling and analyzing facts, he doesn’t have time to actually read any of the sources from which he gathers said facts.
