By Prudence Beecher
Special to YNOT

CLEVELAND, Ohio – As a lifelong conservative Christian, I was proud to find out the Republican Party platform for 2016 includes a strong statement about porn being a serious public health crisis facing our great country. It’s a clear signal the Republican Party is the party of decency, modesty and temperance — ideals clearly embodied by our party’s chosen leader, the ever humble, dignified, and soft-spoken Donald J. Trump.

As such, I greet with deep dismay and moral outrage reports claiming some Republican delegates aren’t enthusiastic about the GOP taking a tough stand on porn.

“We’re a free country,” correctly observed Eric Lakin, a delegate from Los Angeles. “You wanna look at pornography? Go for it, as long as it’s not child pornography. I have a real problem with the Republican Party trying to get into our bedroom. Don’t tell me who to sleep with, don’t tell me who to marry. If I wanna marry my horse, that should be legal. It should be about immigration, national defense, maintaining our roads, low taxes and big business. I think the Republican Party needs to get a grip.”

Look, if you choose to take seriously the thoughts of a man who wants to marry (and quite possibly sleep and maintain roads with) his horse, that’s your prerogative. Personally, I’ll reserve my interest and praise for serious, sophisticated conservative political pundits who really know what they’re talking about, like Scott Baio and Antonio Sabato Jr.

Far more confusing to me than a would-be horse-fucker being pro-porn are the conflicted views of an unidentified Louisiana delegate who claimed to agree with the platform’s assessment porn is a public health crisis, but somehow doesn’t recognize the government’s solemn duty to protect its citizenry from the horrible, criminal non-Christians who produce and disseminate pornography.

“We are the conservatives of the country. We are the party of God. The decline in the morality in our country is directly attributable to the problems that you see right now,” the man said, quite correctly.

Unfortunately, however, the Louisiana delegate continued to speak thereafter — and went all crazy, ACLU-communist without warning.

“I hate to say it and I guess this might be the libertarian in me,” the unidentified, possibly inbred and/or Cajun man said. “But I don’t know that it’s the government’s part to regulate sins and all of that.”

What nonsense!

Of course it’s the government’s place to regulate sins. Among other things, the Lord our God is too busy making sure unborn children murdered in the womb by the liberal “doctors” of the abortion-on-demand industry get into Heaven to take the time to individually smite every porn producer in Los Angeles, let alone every last smut-generating creep in the country.

While all things are possible for God, not all things are particularly convenient for Him, so at times we mere mortals have to step up to the plate and do some smiting of our own. Unfortunately, because we have our legal and social priorities all twisted, if I go around bashing in pornographers’ skulls with my son’s aluminum baseball bat, I’m the one who will get in trouble.

Accordingly, the GOP is stuck with the only tools available to us in the fight against pornography: Laws, nonbinding resolutions and whackjob progressive anti-porn bedfellows like Gail Dines. Meanwhile, the evil forces of porn have on their side the First Amendment, liberal activist judges, Libertarian-leaning Republicans and probably 95 percent of non-evangelical Christian males under the age of 40.

You know what? On second thought, the Lord might have to take care of this porn public health crisis thing on His own, after all.

Prudence Beecher is a devout Christian, mother of seven, needlework expert and anti-pornography activist from Anniston, Ala. She is also the author of numerous fine e-books, including 101 Valid Political Exceptions to the Golden Rule and Never Turn the Other Cheek to a Homo, Because They Will Just Use the Opportunity to Cop a Feel.