Back in January, I announced an exciting plan to launch “My 67.4% Not Free Porn Site,” a groundbreaking new quasi-adult platform which will avoid being subject to certain age-verification mandates like the one in Texas that was recently given the blessing of the U.S. Supreme Court.

At the time, I wasn’t certain how the Court would rule in Free Speech Coalition v. Paxton, but I was confident however the Supremes ruled, my site concept would avoid running afoul of the Texas law, primarily because websites have no legs, and as such can’t run at all, let alone run “afoul,” whatever that means.

Now that we know the Texas law is constitutional, I’m plunging full speed ahead into developing my new site. I won’t be filming myself doing so, however, because “plunging full speed ahead” sounds pretty risky for minors, even if not deemed outright harmful to them.

Still even if I’m clear on what constitutes WHAT is harmful to minors when it comes to the body’s naughty bits, part of me remains uncertain how various state governments will go about their accounting when it comes to measuring HOW MUCH of a site is sexual material harmful to minors, which is why I’ve decided to rebrand my forthcoming project “My 71.8% Not Free Porn Site” (hereafter “M718NFPS”) so any member of law enforcement, or elected representative, or concerned parent, or District Court judge can know at a glance that I’m either compliant with the law, or lying like the proverbial rug.

Another question I’m facing is harder to resolve: In addition to “a person’s pubic hair, anus, or genitals or the nipple of the female breast” or “touching, caressing, or fondling of nipples, breasts, buttocks, anuses, or genitals” or “sexual intercourse, masturbation, sodomy, bestiality, oral copulation, flagellation, excretory functions, exhibitions, or any other sexual act,” what ELSE might reasonably be considered harmful to minors?

And when I say “might reasonably be considered,” I mean a standard of “reason” that appears to have taken hold in this country over the last 10 years or so, which is to say a batshit-crazy, fever dream kind of reasoning of the sort that makes it possible for allegedly sane, functional people to believe a cabal of powerful elites are draining children of their blood so they can drink it to attain immortality. Call it, perhaps, “QAnon scrutiny.”

So, to further mitigate my risk, I’m going to make sure that for every anus, nipple or buttock depicted on M718NFPS, there are at least four depictions of cartoon dinosaurs, fluffy blue hand puppets with googly eyes and/or “Bride of Chucky Talking Mega Scale Figures,” because while seeing sex is harmful to minors, evidently watching a demon-possessed doll disembowel people is just good fun for those same kids.

Now, some might wonder why, if things like nipples, anuses, breasts and buttocks are so harmful to minors, a site like M718NFPS should be permitted to operate without requiring visitors to verify their age, even if such content represents less than 30% of the site’s total content. But to those people I have a simple, compelling, nuanced and legally persuasive response: SHUT UP BEFORE YOU RUIN THIS POTENTIALLY LUCRATIVE LOOPHOLE FOR ME, YOU PICKY DICKHEADS.

Now, all that remains is to shoot the harmful content, create and/or license the innocuous content, come up with a site design, create logos and other crucial brand elements and craft my grand marketing strategy. The last of those items likely will rely heavily on free media exposure, assuming the media can stop paying attention to the bruise on Donald Trump’s hand and what it means for the ongoing Jeffrey Epstein bruhaha long enough to register what I hope is their strong objection to the existence of M718NFPS.

It’s a new dawn for the internet porn industry, folks. You know what they say: adapt or die!

Man receiving good news image by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels