By Abigail Cuthbert
Special to YNOT
OAKLAND, Calif. – When you’ve already made the mistake of locating your professional sports franchise adjacent to the modern equivalent of Sodom and Gomorrah, one must be very careful not to exhibit other errors in judgment that could anger a compassionate-yet-vengeful God.
Yes, I’m speaking of the Golden State Warriors, an organization that, until fairly recently, properly employed an ordained minister as its coach. The team later spurned that great man for a fair-haired, silver-tongued devil who has ripped the team from its moral moorings and thrust it deep into the tumultuous and corrupting waters of liberal secular basketball-ism.
Make no mistake, the sudden rash of poorly-timed ‘bad luck’ faced by the Warriors of late isn’t luck at all; it is God’s vengeance.
Not all of the Warriors’ misfortunes can be blamed on replacing Rev. Jackson with Steve Kerr, of course, because some of the blame clearly must be laid at the evidently fragile feet of the injured Warrior himself, Stephen Curry.
When Curry “accidentally” tweeted a message to a Twitter account known for shamelessly and flagrantly promoting pornography, thanks to God’s comprehensive foreknowledge and omnipotence, Curry was already a couple weeks into the punishment for his porn-sin.
I know a lot of you atheist sports fans out there, those who worship the false idols whose graven images festoon basketball shoes, sports drinks and cereal boxes, will scoff at the notion of God punishing a basketball player for a sin he hadn’t yet committed. All this proves, though, is you haven’t been paying attention to what we true believers have been trying to tell you for centuries: God is everywhere, He is always watching and His vengeance will always triumph over the wicked.
Why would God choose to impose a minor injury on Curry for a porn-sin, you might ask, instead of giving him a crippling Achilles tendon tear or perhaps a ruptured disc in his back? Well, in addition to being vengeful, God is also merciful and believes in redemption.
Should Curry completely renounce his interest in porn (yes, even accidental interest counts) and make amends with God by praying every day and demand a trade to a team located in a Godlier place, like Dallas or Oklahoma City, the Lord wanted to leave the door open to such a possibility. Had He completely destroyed the structure of Curry’s knee, it would have completely foreclosed the possibility of future salvation — something God never does, except to entirely unrepentant heathens, worshippers of false gods, loony left-wingers and internet pornographers.
Skeptics may ask if why, if God always knew Curry would eventually tweet a message to a porn-spammer, He allowed the Warriors to win last year’s championship. The answer is simple: The Cavaliers were even more deserving of God’s basketball-related vengeance at the time — most likely because of something done by J.R. Smith, a man who, among other things, is very clearly unaware of what Leviticus 19:28 has to say about tattoos.
Speaking of Leviticus, if I were the Warriors, I would seriously consider terminating the employment of Jarron Collins, the brother of Jason Collins, who as we all know is a homosexual. This fact, too, could make the organization a target of Heavenly wrath.
If it seems unfair to you that God might punish the entire Warriors franchise just for employing the brother of an openly gay man, I have to admit, I would tend to agree — except Jason and Jarron are twin brothers, which changes the whole fairness analysis, obviously.
To be clear, my concern has nothing to do with Jason and Jarron Collins having the same DNA, because I don’t believe in DNA in the first place (just like “climate change,” DNA is something cooked up by money-grubbing left-wing scientists). My concern is more fundamental: If we’re all honest with ourselves and set aside the political correctness, then we all know twins are a product of Satan, meaning they are fundamentally evil, regardless whether they are also gay and/or play basketball, unless they also happen to be twins who were depicted in the Bible as being something other than evil.
Since I’m pretty sure there’s nothing in the Bible identifying the Collins brothers as an exception to the “all twins are wicked, fortune-telling miscreants” axiom, to be on the safe side, the Warriors need to show Jarron the door. (Naturally, in the process, the Warriors should definitely make sure the door in question does not open to a women’s bathroom in North Carolina.)
Regardless of how the NBA playoffs work out for the Warriors, Curry and his injured knee should serve as a clear warning to every man, woman and child: It may not say so anywhere in the Bible, but God finds typos to be an abomination, too.
Abigail Cuthbert is the president and co-founder of the Ray City, Ga., Chapter of FRUITCAKE, the anti-porn organization formerly known as NUTJOB.
