By Dewey Truman
Special to YNOT

DUSSELDORF, Germany – According to a translated copy of a German news article I read quickly on a tablet with a broken screen while walking briskly through Heathrow Airport, a German spy has been caught making gay porn for consumption by ISIS members, or something.

“The in constitutional protection be flown alleged Islamist has passed apparently no security-related knowledge,” reported Der Spiegel, which I believe is the media wing of the German version of the American fast food restaurant chain Der Wienerschnitzel. “According to the Düsseldorf public prosecutor, there are no suggestions of this for to be making frightened German public of gay pornographers with bad mohawk haircut.”

A high-ranking anonymous source in the American intelligence community (or perhaps just some guy sitting next to me on the plane who chose not to identify himself) said while a German spy making gay porn for consumption by Islamist radicals is a “significant concern,” he didn’t think the porn made by the alleged German double-agent presents any direct threat to the American homeland.

“It sounds like the German authorities caught on to this radical Islamic gay porn plot before any real damage could be done,” the possible intelligence officer said. “Americans should continue to be vigilant about the gay porn they watch, of course, but just because you see a man who looks like he could be a Muslim sucking a penis on video, this doesn’t necessarily mean it’s terrorist gay porn. Now, if one or more of the participants is wearing booty shorts with the ISIS logo on them, you should immediately alert law enforcement, of course. My understanding is such sightings of ISIS-branded clothing in sexually-explicit videos are quite rare though, likely appearing in less than 3% of all gay porn.”

Still, the revelation a German spy was actively producing gay porn for a terrorist audience has shaken the faith of some German politicians in their national intelligence services, leading critics to say the Federal Office for the Protection of the Constitution, the agency that employed the alleged gay porn spy, is downplaying the significance of the situation in order to save face.

“In this case, from my point of view, it is quite clear that this is a new serious downturn in the protection of the constitution,” said André Hahn, who is either this German politician, or this German football player, I’m not sure which. Whoever he is, Hahn’s concerns appear to be shared by a “green politician” named Christian Ströbele, who referred to the investigation that revealed the gay porn spy as a “creepy process.”

While it’s not clear how Ströbele wound up turning green or what was so creepy about the investigation, most experts tend to agree we should always listen to green people, especially if they appear to be getting larger and angrier by the minute and are wearing surprisingly expandable purple pants without a shirt.

While they have mostly downplayed the significance of the gay porn spy threat in their public comments, some officials from the Federal Office for the Protection of the Constitution (which clearly should be abbreviated “FOPC,” but is for some reason rendered as “BfV” by Germans) are also concerned about the security breach that allowed the gay porn spy to insert himself in mole or hamster-like fashion deep within the bowels of the German intelligence bureaucracy.

“It is now important to clarify how the defunct staff could be stopped at the BfV in spite of a security check,” said Burkhard Lischka, who Der Spiegel identified as an “interior expert” from something called the “SPD” — which, knowing the Germans, probably stands for something like the Federal Bureau of Falzenburger Budenholzenmachenfackinfräu.

“There will be a possible security gap,” Lischka added, seeming to promise even worse security in the future, or maybe failing to anticipate how poorly his words would translate into English, which is apparently a common problem among German officials when speaking to the media.

Regardless of how a German spy became radicalized into a gay porn terrorist, another German official said the next step German intelligence services need to take is very clear.

“Always clarity must be achieved between public and government, or else sandwich monkey hammers are just to be fleeting footsteps in melting snow of winter’s sadness and the dead dreams of a benevolent state,” said Heinz Volkswagen-Pretzel, the assistant director of the Federal Intelligence Agency (“BVZDTDPLKT”). “Also too however though, we must be firm always and resolved completely to innocence protection of any German who makes the pornos, either for reasons of commercialism or merely to share with sex friends. Never must we allow public belief in advance the worst of any man, just because his are wearing pink tight-bottom pants, or is having the Che Guevara tattoo chest or/and mohawk head adornment.”

Dewey Truman is a freelance investigative journalist who is so busy compiling and analyzing facts, he doesn’t have time to actually read any of the sources from which he gathers said facts.