LOS ANGELES – The world’s largest collection of celebrity porn content once termed “leaked” and now generally recognized as totally canned is now available at GarishCelebs.ngono—the same place where it has always been available, but with less energy.
Always at the cutting edge of innovation, yet somehow still in need of major periodic overhauls in order to be up-to-date with the way the rest of the web delivers content, Garish Entertainment occasionally revamps its sites in order to have something to issue a press release about in between offering jobs to reality television stars who have embarrassed themselves in some high-profile fashion.
“Users will find the site still has all the same videos of the same decreasingly relevant mainstream stars, but in new and better video formats,” said Garish President Pro Tempore Matthew Klean. “We have completely refracted the coal base and up-girdered the site’s framerate, or something. Whatever it is we did, my IT guy assures me the site will work a lot better on my iPhone now.”
Sporting the world’s largest collection of proprietary explicit videos featuring famous people who later regret the whole thing ever happened, GarishCelebs.ngono presents celebrity sex tapes starring that one omnipresent Instagram/Twitter chick with a big ass who married the self-obsessed rapper with delusions of grandeur, the irritating blonde reality-TV star who formerly dated the old dude who runs a once-popular softcore porn magazine but is now married to an ex-football player who has a thing for transsexual prostitutes, a former professional wrestler who can’t spell her own name and a compulsive liar who’s mostly famous for getting pregnant as a teenager.
The site also features arguably the most famous celeb sex tape ever, Pat and Toadie, or something like that. Whatever it’s called, the tape stars a woman who once portrayed a ridiculously buxom lifeguard on TV and her former husband, a heavy metal drummer who likes to play the drums while riding a miniature on-stage roller coaster. The rig recently got stuck in mid-performance, hanging him upside down for an uncomfortably long time, so he might not be quite as into that sort of thing as he once was.
Of course, no celebrity sex tape library would be complete without 1 Nightvision in Paris, which features a young Anne Coulter in the poorly lit performance that catapulted her directly to Fox-News-contributor fame.
“If you’re a serious celebrity sex-tape fan, this is the site for you,” Klean said. “Unless you’re also a seriously cheap-ass fan of these sex tapes, in which case you assuredly downloaded them long ago for free from some sketchy site filled to the gills with pirated porn and fake celebrity nudes.”
All members of GarishCelebs.ngono also get full access to GarishNonCelebs.ngono, which offers hour upon hour of sexually explicit footage of people who are often better looking and more talented, but marginally less-famous than the reality television personalities who populate the Garish Celebs video products.
About Garish Entertainment: Founded sometime in the 1980s, Garish Entertainment is known as the leading source for quality porn videos of people who are famous for reasons that aren’t entirely clear to the rest of us. Garish has achieved its global brand recognition through shameless publicity stunts and by pimping itself through co-branded products ranging from “GarishNut Long-Cut,” a semen-flavored chewing tobacco, to “Kimkardova,” a premium vodka made from wheat, barley, rye and exotic dancer sweat.
