LAS VEGAS – With its landmark 5,750th day of continuous existence just around the corner, the backers of the Free Porn Millennium (FPM) promotion say all 37,481 FPM sites will continue to provide free porn on demand to mark the occasion.
“We thought about doing something different, like offering porn for sale really, really cheap, but it just didn’t seem like an idea that was consistent with what the Free Porn Millennium is all about,” said Arhyu Effenkidynmi, spokesperson for the FPM. “Instead, we’re just going to pop a few extra ads, mostly for cam and dating sites, and maybe rotate out some old banners from the affiliate programs which don’t exist anymore, if we have time.”
While the 37,481 sites associated with FPM won’t be changing their price structure, Effenkidynmi said the promotion will be soon be sporting a catchy new slogan.
“We wanted something that spoke to the value of our services while providing real transparency about the FPM corporate culture and what we stand for,” Effenkidynmi said. “Our marketing crew went to work and within a couple hours, our new slogan ‘No Credit Cards, Very Little BS — and OK, Sure, Maybe the Occasional Crippling Exploit’ was born.”
Some market analysts are skeptical about whether the FPM promotion remains relevant to porn consumers nearly 17 years into the campaign.
“Frankly, I don’t think most porn viewers care if the free porn site they’re using is officially part of the Free Porn Millennium promotion, an independent tube site, or some celebrity’s compromised personal ‘cloud’ account, so long as they reach orgasm without having to reach for their wallets,” said Tommy Lobsterbush, co-founder and chief market analyst for Cypress Research. “According to our latest research, 137.6 percent of the human population has already selected a favorite free porn site, so this promotion is going to have a hard time generating real mindshare, buy-in, brand loyalty or other buzzwords you commonly hear in analysts’ quotes regarding online marketing.”
Effenkidynmi disagreed, saying the FPM’s internal stats tell a different story.
“According to the sentence I’m writing right now, our network’s aggregate traffic is up over 8,000 percent since yesterday afternoon, when we first announced the upcoming celebration of the big 5,750,” Effenkidynmi noted in an email.
“Of course, this estimate depends on how much of the FPM network you include,” Effenkidynmi conceded. “We can only actually see the stats for the sites that are still flying the official FPM logo on their index page as the link exchange technically requires. For the 37,474 other sites that have removed the link, but we still consider partners in this promotion even if their primary email address has been bouncing since early 2009, we can only project and estimate the traffic volume.”
Burt Jones, an avid consumer of free online porn since the mid-1990s, said he “can’t understand what all the hubbub is about” when it comes to the Free Porn Millennium.
“These kids today, they practically think they invented free porn,” Jones said. “Those whippersnappers wouldn’t know what Usenet was if it walked up and fucked them in the ass. Back in my day, we had to wait six goddamn hours just for a scanned copy of an old Playboy centerfold to download far enough so you could see the top of a freakin’ nipple. Now? They just click and jerk, jerk and click all day long, the spoiled little shits.”
