MONTREAL – This just in: Brazzers is giving away free porn!

I know what you’re thinking: The government must have replaced the 7  in 2017 on your calendar with a 1, thereby magically transporting you back to a time when someone offering Brazzers’ porn for free on Pornhub was something the company pretended to be angry about, hoping nobody noticed they owned both brands.

To be fair, this isn’t just any old porn Brazzers is giving away. It’s premium porn –- because, at a time when a lot of people are getting off to three-second looped gifs, clearly what the market really wants is the same porn they can get for free, only at a higher resolution.

There’s a catch to the Brazzers offer, however: You must be a college student in the U.S. in order to take advantage of it –- and you must be willing to submit a scan of your college ID to the world’s most popular porn network to prove your student cred.

If this sounds too good to be true (although I’m pretty sure if you’re an American college student, it does not), please consider the altruistic motives behind Brazzers’ latest promotional campaign.

“We know that university life is by no means easy, and we’re empathetic,” explained Brazzers’ marketing director Gary Ticher. “Being away from home and overloaded with studying and peer pressure can be tough, so we wanted to do our part to help university students relax their minds and ease their loads.”

Such a noble cause, but why limit the promotion to a mere 5,000 students?

According to the National Center for Education Statistics (NCES –- not to be confused with NCIS, which is a famous military investigative unit run by Mark Harmon), there will be approximately 20.4 million college students in the U.S. during the Fall 2017 semester. By giving only 5,000 of them free access to its relaxing, load-lightening porn, Brazzers is creating a whole new “1%” –- only worse and even more exclusive (in the bad sense of the word), because 5,000 is only .000245 percent of 20.4 million.

How are the other 99.999755 percent of college students supposed to feel about their privileged peers being given a premium product that is only available to them at full price?

If you think the issue of statues commemorating the Confederacy is divisive, try telling a porn-addicted American literature major he’s going to have to pay to watch big boobs being showered with cum in high-definition while his engineering student roommate gets to see all those crystal-clear, semen-dripping knockers for free.

Before you know it, we’ll have a bunch of latter-day hippies out in front of their dormitories chanting “no porno, no peace” and straining the limits of socially and academically acceptable rhyming with slogans like “We’re Horny, We’re Here, Give Us Passwords, Braz-eers!”

As if the strictly limited porn giveaway wasn’t bad enough, Brazzers also has unveiled an essay-writing contest that will serve only to foster unhealthy competition and more ill will between the free-premium-porn-haves and the free-premium-porn-have-nots.

According to the PC Mag article linked at the beginning of this post, “(a)pplicants must submit a short video (up to two minutes long) or a written essay (at least 100 words) explaining ‘how Brazzers will help me graduate.’” The winner –- one winner –- will receive a 25-year premium membership, thereby making him (or her) a major target of their envious, socialist (and presumably quite violent) peers.

This whole thing is just a debacle waiting to happen.

You’ve seen the vicious, unruly crowds that pack the malls on Black Friday? Those develop without anybody giving away free premium porn at all. Just imagine how much worse the scene would be if the first 5,000 of them to flood through the doors were handed free passwords, on top of the opportunity to buy a 50-inch Smart TV for $12 and a BOGO deal on “dermaceuticals,” whatever the fuck those are.

If you ask me, President Trump’s promised crackdown on internet porn can’t come soon enough. I’m telling you, if he doesn’t act soon on his pledge, there’s going to be hatred on many sides –- including, inevitably, big, oil-slathered backsides.

Image © B Boy.