WHY, Ariz. – I’ve come to Why, Arizona, today looking for answers. Specifically, I’ve come to find out why so many people write lame articles about porn that involve enumerating their opinions, like four reasons men who don’t watch porn are better lovers, or nine reasons men should stay away from porn, or twelve reasons to visit Aberystwyth and the real Hinterland.
“Real journalism is dead,” said Paul Bowden as he filled the tank of his SUV at one of the southernmost gas stations on this side of the U.S./Mexico border. “Do you think Walter Cronkite would have been caught dead uttering something like ‘seven reasons for watching feminist porn,’ or ‘three reasons real sex is better than porn sex’? Hell no, he wouldn’t. This is what happens when the liberals take over the media and get their dirty minds spinning overtime. Important news, like six reasons illegal aliens are rigging this election, gets squeezed out by silly lists dedicated to the Kardashians, gluten intolerance, rap music and porno.”
Vernon Manuel, one of Why’s approximately 116 full-time residents, said he thinks the reasons for all the porn articles is as simple as it is arbitrary: “They have to write about something.”
“You can’t make every article about something stupid Donald Trump said,” Manuel observed. “I mean, I guess you could, because he does say a lot of dumb things every damn day, but most of those things aren’t about porno, really. Plus, a lot of times he doesn’t say more than one thing about any subject other than Hillary Clinton, so it can be hard to make a coherent list from his word-salad-style rambling.”
Elena Johnson, a sophomore at the University of Arizona whose car broke down outside Why on the way to the northern Mexico college party destination Puerto Penasco, said she finds porn list articles “useful.”
“Like, I don’t like to write very much and, like for some reason my journalism professor is, like, always giving out writing assignments, like, all the time,” Johnson said. “Articles that, like, have reasons porn is bad listed in, like, a convenient, numbered sequence are, like, the easiest ones to borrow from. Like, so way easier than articles in, like, newspapers like the New York Times, because, like, nobody would, like, think you’d, like, commit plagiarism to come up with, like, such bad syntax and, like, grammar and other, like, stuff like that.”
Juan Carlos Hereda, a passing pedestrian who seemed to have reached Why after a very long south-to-north walk, wanted to know if I would give him some water if he guessed the correct answer to my porn-list-article question.
“I come to America only por el trabajo, not to make pornos or make the articles with lists about the pornos,” Hereda added. “I no care how many reason are they for not watch the porno, except maybe if porno estudio has role for pool boy who really is a pool boy, not fake pool boy who make sexo with some woman after husband leave for work and before plumber come for to be in third scene.”
While none of the members of my informal and impromptu focus group could give me a definitive answer as to why so many people are writing lame, enumerated-list articles about porn these days, Bowden did have some strong opinions about the rest of the group.
“That Juan Carlos fella is for sure an illegal alien, and even though he claims to be some kinda Native Indian American or whatever, I would sure be happier if we deported Mr. Manuel, too,” Bowden said. “As for the college girl, she’s OK, I guess — unless she voted for Hillary, in which case she’s a crook who shouldn’t be allowed to return to school from here, let alone graduate. All they’ll do up at that fancy ‘university’ is fill her up head with progressive lies, anyway. In fact, I just read a Fox News article the other day that listed eight reasons a college degree is useless these days, along with 47 reasons climate change is a hoax manufactured in China.”
