By Prudence Beecher
Special to YNOT
BONN, Germany – Just when you think things can’t get any worse with America’s porn addiction epidemic, along comes T-Mobile with its “Binge On” service. In addition to presumably encouraging people to eat far too much bratwurst, T-Mobile now offers customers unlimited access to pornography without the viewing counting against their data cap.
While I suppose this service will be received as a godsend by hairy-palmed perverts, Democrats and other sex criminals, for the rest of us it represents a serious threat to our spiritual well-being and a giant leap toward ruin and perdition.
Just listen to the shameless, boastful crowing coming from Mikandi CEO (which, in this context, must stand for Chief Evil Officer) Jesse Adams: “T-Mobile is treating adults like adults, and we hope that other tech companies follow in their footsteps,” Adams said.
No, Mr. Adams, T-Mobile is not “treating adults like adults.” They’re treating adults like smut-crazed barbarians and rapacious sex addicts!
Make no mistake: T-Mobile hasn’t included Mikandi in its offerings out of some misguided fealty to the principle of free speech or because they’re taking a high-minded stand on “consumer choice.” T-Mobile is doing this because they’re German — and if there’s one thing we all know about Germans, it’s those people just can’t get enough of sick, disgusting, vile, cannibalism-tinged pornography.
Right now, I’m sure some bespectacled Bavarian is reclining in his office chair, menacingly rubbing his hands together while looking at one of those mobile coverage maps all the telecoms use in their TV advertising and cackling out loud about “all zee foolish Americans” who will soon be spellbound by his company’s propagandistic porno.
He probably even has a long-haired white cat down there in his subterranean lair, which he strokes gently as his loyal minions drop by with reports on the progress of his evil plan, and maybe even an aquarium full of sharks to which he feeds innocent, elderly Christians every day at noon.
More shocking than T-Mobile’s decision to shovel endless amounts of porn into the smartphones of decent, hardworking Americans is that some observers actually commend T-Mobile for making the move. One writer for the aptly-named (and probably communist) PC World even went so far as to say T-Mobile “should definitely be applauded for its even-handed treatment of Mikandi.”
Are you kidding me, PC World?
The only way T-Mobile should be “applauded” for this is if it’s the Incredible Hulk doing the clapping and T-Mobile’s CEO agrees to place his skull betwixt the green behemoth’s massive paws as he performs his retributive ovation.
One has to wonder, now that a major telecom has signed off on unfettered, unmetered porn streaming, what’s next?
Will Verizon respond by offering to underwrite customers’ trips to the Mustang Ranch? Maybe AT&T will make that spokes-slut of theirs, “Lily,” available for customer-gangbangs. They could even offer a “Lewinski” promotion in which one lucky mobile subscriber gets to ejaculate on that too-tight, inappropriate and hopelessly immodest blue shirt she always wears.
My hunch is the next big mobile-porn-mainstreaming move will come from T-Mobile, as well, with the company looking to expand its licentious reach into a whole new area of perversion by way of a clever and timely rebrand.
That’s right people; get ready for TS/TV-Mobile.
Go ahead — laugh and call me crazy. Just don’t come crawling to me for help when your smartphone starts refusing to do anything other than play an infinitely looped video of Caitlyn Jenner giving a hand-job to Ian McKellan.
Prudence Beecher is a devout Christian, mother of seven, needlework expert and anti-pornography activist from Anniston, Ala. She is also the author of several e-books, including “The First Amendment is the Devil’s Swiss Army Knife” and the self-help guide “Just Do Everything Your Husband Says, Unless It’s Something Sexual in Nature, and You’ll Be Fine.”
