BEAVER FALLS, Pa. – Award-winning grocery store chain Safesexway has compiled its most recent foodstuff interviews into a new video called “Food Items Reveal the One Porn Star They’d Like to be Stuck Inside Forever.”
In the video, various produce, canned goods and prepared foods vividly describe their love of being used as sex toys and erotic accessories, from a cucumber who admits to “having a real thing for male anal cavities” to a carrot that lavished praise on performer Asa Akira’s “sublimely moist and warm vagina.”
A large wheel of cheddar cheese summed up its most cherished desires in a single word: “Armpit.” Other foods had more interesting choices, like a bottle of yellow mustard that gave an almost ecstatic account of watching some of its contents smeared across Ron Jeremy’s mustache when the performer ate a hot dog.
“You can’t imagine the pride I felt as Ron wiped off the remnants of my progeny using the sleeve of his shirt,” the bottle confessed. “While it’s always a bittersweet experience to watch a bit of my mustard leave the bottle because it serves as a reminder of the inevitability of my emptying and eventual disposal, everybody has to go someday — and for my money, there’s simply no better way to go than straight down the gullet of porn’s most beloved hedgehog.”
Within the responses, there are some clear trends and tendencies among certain types of comestibles. For example, while wine and beer both prefer to be imbibed and pass through a pair of “full, luscious porn star lips,” several bottles of milk confessed they hope to be slowly poured down Lexi Belle’s abdomen while electronic dance music plays in the background.
There are some apparent regional preferences as well — some of which aren’t particularly politically correct, even bordering on bigotry.
“I have to admit, I don’t go for black chicks,” confessed a box of Saltine crackers. “But it’s really not a race thing; I’m just worried about being spit up as a response to a Tyler Perry joke I don’t find at all funny.”
A tray full of Gulf Coast shrimp expressed a desire not to be eaten by “any porn star who ain’t never lived south of the Mason-Dixon line.”
“We ain’t got nothing personal against them oversexed Yankees,” the shrimp insisted, “but a lot of them don’t realize down here the stores often don’t de-vein us before we’re packaged for sale, so them northerners have eaten a whole lot of shrimp shit — and we don’t cotton to no coprophagia ’round here.”
Strangely, some of the food actually expressed a preference for not encountering porn stars at all.
“I’m sick to death of my people being eaten by porn stars,” said an Alaskan roll. “Every damn night, they stream in here like it’s 1960-fucking-8 and sushi is the new ‘in thing’ in L.A. And if we’re not being eaten by porn stars, we’re getting served off of their bodies at some stupid adult webmaster trade show inside a gaudy, classless casino in Las Vegas. That might sound exciting and novel if you’re a slice of celery or a cherry tomato, but as a chunk of uncooked fish stuck to a bunch of gummy-ass white rice, it gets old in a hurry.”
Other foods complained of being “teased” by porn stars and never allowed to serve the purpose for which they thought they’d been acquired.
“One time, I was sure I was going to get to take a trip inside Alexis Texas’ big, bodacious butt,” said a zucchini. “I mean, I could almost taste it I was so close. Instead, that ugly husband of hers just kinda rubbed me around her velvety cheeks for a while, like he was going to slip me into her crack any second, then he unceremoniously threw me to the goddamn floor and stuck his cock in there instead, the rude fucking bastard.”
Editor’s Note: An earlier version of this article misidentified one of the Safesexway respondents as a California roll, when it fact the respondent is an Alaskan roll. YNOT regrets any confusion the error may have caused, and has instructed Mr. Suroeste to enroll in sushi and sashimi-sensitivity training courses, accordingly.
