WASHINGTON – These days, porn is everywhere you look, especially on the internet.
Not only will you find porn on tens of thousands of adult websites, free and otherwise, but you’ll also find it within sites, blog posts, articles and photographs dedicated to all sorts of other subjects, from food and cars to poverty and real estate.
Now, thanks to FBI Director James Comey, we have a whole new “porn” genre to consider: “intelligence porn.”
Just when I thought I was about to be exposed to sexy photos of scantily-clad spies, however, I realized Comey wasn’t talking about some kind of This Sure As Shit Ain’t Goldfinger XXX porn parody. He was talking about Wikileaks.
“It crosses a line when it moves from being about trying to educate a public and instead just becomes about intelligence porn, frankly,” Comey said of Wikileaks, adding the site publishes material “without regard to the First Amendment values that normally underlie press reporting.”
So many things sprung to mind when I heard Comey talk about “intelligence porn,” I don’t even know where to start. Among other things, if food pictures referred to as “food porn” concerned college professors, they’re really going to hit the ceiling when they hear about intelligence porn.
Comey testified that when Wikileaks crosses the line between intelligence porn and … um, whatever Wikileaks is when it stays on the other side of the line, the site “simply becomes a conduit for the Russian intelligence services … just to push out information to damage the United States.”
Look, I’ve watched a lot of porn in my life (maybe not as much as some federal employees, but still quite a bit), and I can’t think of more than a couple dozen smutty videos that reasonably could be described as Russian propaganda.
Sure, there was a pretty big influx of Russian performing talent back in the 1990s, and part of me still wants to shoot a bunch of holes into Ronald Reagan’s corpse every time I see Vicca naked, but I’m pretty sure this is just some sort of a murderous, erotic coincidence and not part of a Kremlin-inspired plot against the good ol’ USA.
I’m also not clear as to what the purported link is between Wikileaks and porn, unless we’re talking about PornWikileaks — which, of course, is clearly connected to the porn industry by way of severe mental illness and a crippling personality disorder.
Another portion of Comey’s comments about Wikileaks and intelligence porn may offer an additional clue as to why Comey considers the site to be intelligence porn — or at least some insight into what turns the FBI director’s crank.
“There’s nothing that even smells journalist about some of this content,” Comey said.
AH-HA!
There we have it, folks: Proof positive that when it comes to erotica, our FBI director is all about olfactory titillation, not visual stimulation.
This probably answers one of the big questions Comey faces in these hearings: Why did the FBI director choose to issue a statement about the Clinton email investigation kicking back up, but issued no similar statement about the FBI investigating Team Trump for possibly playing footsie with Vladimir Putin?
To me, the answer is now clear: Comey prefers the conservative, masculine scent of Sean Hannity types over the left-leaning aroma of a Rachel Maddow or Anderson Cooper.
Comey knew if he let slip with the news his organization was investigating Trump, he’d be flooded with requests for comment from the liberal media, whose fragrance evidently does nothing for him. Shoot Congress a letter about Clinton’s emails, however, and he was going to be neck-deep in the penis-stiffening perfume Eau de Bill O’Reilly — just the way he likes it, evidently.
It’s possible I’m reading too much into Comey’s “intelligence porn” comments, but I think my theory is on solid ground. Granted, it might not be enough to convince a court of law, but I’d say there’s more than enough evidence here to support the far lower standard of proof required for a definitive, categorical tweet from the leader of the free world.
So, what do you say, President Trump? Would you like to lend some moral support to an embattled FBI director? Maybe just a few words to indicate you think Comey has more credibility than a bunch of intel-pornographers who apparently don’t even smell as good as journalists?
Hm. Guess I’ll take this as a ‘no.’
FBI Director Comey was the best thing that ever happened to Hillary Clinton in that he gave her a free pass for many bad deeds! The phony…
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) May 3, 2017
